its a different plaster.. take a look at the time of the first post and this one.. my..  

bah! something wrong with my blood i think. always take sooo long to clot. still bleeding and soaking. soaking. 

freakkk. i rammed into something rusty and the bleeding won't stop! plasters are soaked and all. 

and. now im supposed to study for CT. 

http://my.so-net.net.tw/sirwang/fur.wmv

I can't concentrate. Getting distracted. very badly. very bad. very bad. i take 5 minutes to read a question(mcq), and after that, i realize i'm still in a daze. my mind's wandering and all. been the whole morning and i've not done anything. still staring at the first question. what.

It seems that everything I touch blows up. =(
First my monitor, then, it's like 4am and I had to short circuit the house and cause it to black out. I went to the kitchen. Switched on something. then i heard poof/pop or some bang. just like my monitor. and something blew.
everything blows. blows blow. bang bang boom. pop. pzz!

basically my monitor kinda blew up. just got a new one like an hour ago. i know i shouldn't have, but. =( well.

lord of the rings. hahah. i thought i couldn't pause it. i can! wow. this is gettin fun.  

keke. charging. 

I got my new phone. happy. yeah. sad huh. how can anyone get happy over this. but anyway. i got a 128mb memory stick duo. it has a free memory stick adaptor. i had to buy an IR port. BAD INVESTMENT! the transfer rate on IR for songs is so so so slow. yeah. So ended up usign my camera to transfer songs. but anyway. i can IR pics to my mum's phone. =) distracted. spent about 3 hours on the phone. time to get started. =P

482 keys / minute 

today 

week 

I know you told me not to ask where you have been.
I know you told me not to try to understand the way you live your life at night.
But don't you see you make me cry.
So now I have left you. I know it broke your heart.
But I prefer to be alone.
I hope you feel the pain I've always felt with you.
I know I'll make it on my own.
I touch your skin.
I smell sin.
Your eyes are lying.
My love for you is dying.
It has died.

Wow. I think I�ve found a job that I may enjoy. Internet Researcher. Basically, Internet Researchers are people that datamine the Internet for articles, white papers, surveys and other documents for others. That�s what I can do! And that�s what I enjoy doing! But is there such a job here in Singapore? And if so, what the hell am I doing. Yeah. But it�s also weird. I can�t possibly fill the box which reads Job experience/qualifications as �grew up with the internet since primary 3(10 years)�. Still stoning. Watching TV. (I don�t watch TVs usually.) Don�t feel like playing Ragnarok Online. Don�t feel like doing anything. Huh. Yeah. Sick. Can�t you get motivated? Instead of whining on and on days after days? This is a serious problem of laziness and not lack of motivation. You are lazy. It�s so much easier to whine away and pretend you�ve got some other problems when the problem is that you are simply lazy. So. What do you intend to do now? Start a new character on Ragnarok? Nah. What for? Watch TV? It�s getting boring. Don�t you know Sundays have the worst programmes lined up? Everyone�s supposed to be out and having fun, and therefore sucky shows. I�m lazy. Lazy. lAzy. laZy. lazY. LAZY. lazy.

Tatakai mo sezuni. Iyashi motomeru mon janai.
Koko kara. Ima ga hajimaru!

Woke pretty early today (due to the fact that I slept really early, like 7pm or something; duh!). And I�m stoning now. Staring at my desktop and all. The desire for games has somewhat died. Thankful to God / myself. I feel dead. Like meaningless and all.

Maybe I shouldn�t write it here. But hell, what�s there to hide? Okay, every time I find like an eye candy or something, I think I would be subconsciously reminded to work hard. But each time I will find them attached. Such disappointment. Again and again. Time after time. And I believed I did find another one yesterday. But I�m here stoning because I believe, chances are, she�s attached.

And maybe this explains why I don�t bother trying lots of things. It�s usually the case of me trying (not hard enough perhaps) and failing. For THAT matter, for tests, for fights, for lots of things. The mind and the heart are weak. Extremely. It seems to have been subconsciously drilled into me, that everything I try will end up in failure. That explains for the lack of �motivation�. Chozan Shissai, a Japanese swordsman once wrote, �A warrior must only take care that his spirit is never broken.� With a broken spirit, what can I do? Pray that time will go by and I�ll find something somehow? Not possible. In fact, this is one crucial year. I shouldn�t even be thinking of these in the first place. I should be focused. Suzuki said, �The fighter is to be always single-minded with one object in view: to fight, looking neither backward nor sidewise. To go straight forward in order to crush the enemy is all that is necessary for him.� To be focused that is. Focus.

But���

Main Type	Overall Self

Take Free Enneagram Personality Test

Enneagram Test Results Type 1 Perfectionism |||||||||||||| 51% Type 2 Helpfulness |||||||||||||||| 61% Type 3 Image Focus |||||||||||||| 59% Type 4 Hypersensitivity |||||||||||||| 58% Type 5 Detachment |||||||||||| 49% Type 6 Anxiety |||||||||||||||| 69% Type 7 Adventurousness |||||||||||| 42% Type 8 Aggressiveness |||||||||| 32% Type 9 Calmness |||||||||||||| 54% Your main type is 6 Your variant is social

Take Free Enneagram Personality Test

nah. i was at my login screen. and i decided not to play RO. listening to a song which i'm going to upload to my blog. think i've been listening to it since sec 1.
someday. i wanna learn violin (if possible) so that i can play all the sad songs i want to. 

okay, maybe that wasn't obvious enough. how about this? (haha) 

I was in class today. I'm not happy. Always am not happy. So I was thinking, since it seems that evil gets instant gratification, instant power and strength and all, why not, walk the path of the Devil then? It's so much easier to fall. Fall into the abyss. Swaying. It was in biology tutorial class. I was half praying; an unsincere prayer it be, praying for God to speak to me. (I am aware that one should not ask for miracles or signs.) And it so happened that I stumbled upon the Book of Job in the Bible. And I found that I learnt quite a bit from it, and that I very much enjoyed the book. Lot's of sad things. And I think Job is morbid as well, just like me.

I heart you. xD 

Two days without computer. Well. It doesn�t sound too bad. And wasn�t too bad either. I guess, it was the revision that kept my mind busy. If not, I would probably have �gone mad�; can�t be too sure what that means now. Well, 2 days for 2 subjects. I would say I did quite badly for the tests this morning. I doubt I can pull off my �stunts�. Back then, it�s like, I fail all my tests. Then, come the actual exam, I�ll scrape through.

I feel crappy now that I come think of O levels. Waking up late for practically every single science practical. People would be in the quarantine area. I remember it was in LT3. And I would be rushing in, reporting to chief invigilator and all. And that did not happen just once. And my friends would be trying to call me up and all. And I was like late for quite a few written papers. Running from the MRT station to school and seeing everyone holding his pencil box, curves and stuff when I reach school. Of frantic revisions on the MRT. Flipping through the textbooks like some mad person. Looking at the summary page of each topic and going for the exam. (Mind you, the train ride is 20minutes from Bishan to Woodlands.) Of playing Renewal each night before the papers. Of getting SSS(supervised self study scheme) everyday after school until 10pm. Of stoning in class. Crap. I�m going .. mad.. I don�t exactly feel good now.

Right now I�m still thinking of playing Ragnarok Online. Yeah. Grow up they say. But I�ve been with the game for like almost 5 years. 5 of 18 is a lot. Co-exist with games. No. That is not quite possible. I know myself too well for that. CRAP CRAP! I�M THINKING OF REINSTALLING RO. DIES!

Can�t really wait for Monday. I�ll be getting my S700i. I just hope that the USB cable is provided. And that I can find a good deal. I would probably need an extra memory stick DUO. I think I�m going to get the 128mb stick. It�s just a pity the one I use for my Sony camera is not interchangeable with that of my phone(-to-be).

Tomorrow. Judo camp. Huh. It�s not really a camp. No stay-over, nothing. Just 9am to 5pm thing. I hope there isn�t training. I wasn�t actually keen on going. Until I realized that there might be games and all. And if I were to miss this, I would probably not know most of the J1s. So, I have to go.

I guess I would have to learn a really, really painful lesson. Something that would make me hate myself forever or something. And as I�m saying this, I�m reinstalling Ragnarok���

Please pray for these 6 men who were spreading God's word.

2/13/2005: Extremists Attack, Beat Six GFA Students

(Blogging offline on my computer. 14th February, 9:18pm) Well. Today has been a pleasant day. Hmm. I wonder if that�s pleasant. Anyway, this morning, I was cursing somehow. Got irritated. So I as I was walking to the bus stop, there�s this voice in my head that says anything can happen. Anything can happen. Right now! And I fell over the road divider, head first. My legs were like on the dividers and I fell facing downwards and I used break fall technique of judo. Not hurt, but quite stunned. Then I remembered that Peng Ming was like asking me about this phrase. �What goes around comes around.� Yeah. Guess I shouldn�t have thought evil thoughts. Then nothing would have happened. Nonetheless, it�s a lesson well learnt.

Oh, I donated blood today. Quite okay. I was expecting more pain. And expecting it to take a much longer time. I couldn�t donate last year. Extremely sick. Was on like 6 different types of medicine.

The nurse first gave a paper that you�ve got to read, a packet of iron tablets and a card that says thank you. Have to rest for 10minutes. It began with applying of some green solution around your vein area. I think that�s to sterilize the area and to make the veins look more prominent. The nurse then wrapped this thing that measures blood pressure around your arm and it�s left there for the whole of the blood donation. The pressure goes up, you would then be asked to squeeze the ball. The nurse will see if your vein is �thick� enough (I think). Then you are being taped all over. The tubes and all. And a gauze is left over your vein (before you are even pricked.. pricked?). She then shows you that she�s going to give you an anesthetic jab and that it will hurt a bit. Not at all. It was much less painful that expected. (From the last few anesthetic jabs I had few years ago, this is really nothing.) So you�ll be asked to squeeze the ball again when you are ready, and the nurse takes out a big needle. I think it has got like a diameter of 3 to 4mm. Pokes it in, and kind of weird. Your skin is kind of stretched, and the nurse jabs it in further. It�s about 2cm long. Then there�s some leakage, and that explains for why a gauze is left over the site of incision. (By leakage I mean blood coming out from the side of the big needle.) It�s quite amazing how fast the blood flows into the packet (It contains anticoagulant. Haha. I was chatting and talking to the nurse.). The first 10 seconds was like; wow, I�m losing blood so quickly. Haha. Then there�s this blue ball that they give us to squeeze. At first I was reluctant to squeeze coz it was simply weird to have a needle inside and you squeezing. You can feel the needle you know. Then I started squeezing and squeezing. Oh. And I was being videotaped. Haha. My bag filled up quite rapidly and the nurse was like pointing and saying, �Melissa, him, him!� Haha. The nurse came over, folded the tubing and secured it with a silver ring device to stop blood flow. Then used a flat-headed plier to flatten a 1cm portion of the tubing before cutting the tube. And that�s not all. Then, while applying pressure to the plier, the nurse uncapped tubes; all to be filled with blood, four of them. And it�s quite funny when it comes to this part. Popped. Tube open, and she released the pressure on the plier, and my blood comes gushing out into the tube. (You can actually visualize this. A 20cm long tube, an open end and the other, a thick needle in my arm and the blood comes gushing out like a tap or something. Haha.) I started to squeeze the ball; just once. The nurse was like, �No, no, you don�t have to squeeze. The blood flows quite fast.� Capped the tube back. Popped open another. Tap turned on. Blood out. Capped. And repeat. Oh. 450ml of blood goes to the bag. Another 50ml goes to the four tubes for blood tests. (Yeah, I was talking to the nurse.)

And yes, when I was happily squeezing the ball, I was looking at others. I was trying to touch my tubing and trying to see if the blood is hot or something. I wanted to touch the packet of blood but I feared that it would drop off and burst when it hits the floor. I was also sitting upright trying to look at the blood pressure. There�s this J1 guy who was beside me on the inclined stretcher. His class girls were around him and he kept asking if it�s painful. I told him, �Just a bit.� And it was quite funny. Just when the nurse took out the needle, he was like saying out loud, �Oh my God, the needle is so big.� Haha. Well. He got knocked out halfway I think. He only managed to fill � of the bag. Like many others, he had to lie down. I wonder what happens to half filled bags. Do they mix the blood with other half filled packets? I also wonder what happens if they were to like drop a packet of blood accidentally or burst a packet. And what about bad blood? Do they get burnt or drained down the pipes into the sewage?

The nurse then wrote the time of collection of blood on the surgical tape and pasted it beside your arm. Have got to rest for 10minutes before you can move again. Had like refreshments. A packet of Milo and chocolate sandwich biscuits. We were given a diary as well. =)

Well. So much for today. I fell asleep while waiting for food, woke at 8 and I think I should get started on work no matter what. I know I�m lazy and�����..

I think I�m facing a serious problem right now.

Problem of self-control. I�ve been playing non-stop since CNY. In fact, I only went out on day one of CNY. The rest of my time was spent online playing away. No laughing matter. I don�t even need to eat. Don�t even need to drink. (And therefore no need to piss or shit.) I�ve not done any work since. I don�t know. Too long ago.

Right now, I think I should do something drastic. Like terminating my Internet 3 years ago. Cost a bomb. Did help; but didn�t last long. Some bank offered a plan with Singnet. I took it. And I�m back. Doing the same stupid things. The same things over and over again. Playing online. Clicking on contacts, looking at their pictures, viewing their profiles. Hunting blogs down. Looking for weird things online. Out of the world things. Funky things.

I can�t possibly terminate my Internet again. It will cost over $2000 for breaking the contract. Starhub is 'more fine' than the old SCV. Yeah, sure, I can unplug my things and all. I can ask my mum to keep my modem. I can pass it to my neighbor. But I know that I�m a bit crazy. Quite crazy in fact. I�ll get it back soon when the urge comes back.

This is serious. Internet addiction! Severe.

I could smash my com. But that�s not being practical either. What if I have a sudden need to like do some project? I can�t possibly buy a new com for every project and smash it soon after?

I think I should leave my modem in school. When there�s work to be done online, schoolwork to be done online, things to be downloaded, will I bring my modem back home. I can leave my modem under my desk. But I don�t quite trust the class. Not in the sense that it�ll be stolen, but rather, it�ll be damaged. Yeah. I know I lock the class. And open the class. But the thing is. This door can be locked and left open, whoever leaves last will close it later. So I don�t know what will happen to my modem.

Haha, in fact, I can visualize myself having no computer. No Internet rather. I�ll be screaming. No, not that soon. I�ll be on the computer, listening to music I have on my computer. Trying to install some single player games. Lol. Trying to host my own Ragnarok server offline. But I don�t have the source codes. (Don�t even think of finding them.) So chances are, I�ll be playing my flight simulators, racing games and shooter games. And getting bored real quickly. No one to talk to. Haha. I�ll be really mad. There�s only the phone. And not everyone replies that fast to sms. Or rather, you can�t just start a conversation with random people via sms. I�ll be focused?

Let�s put all those philosophical stuff aside and get .. practical. Don�t quite like this, but hey, let�s get practical for just ten months? This will affect the rest of your life. Well, the rest of this life at least? You know how bad life can get. You�ve not felt and experience the worst, but you know life isn�t exactly nice. So let�s try to make this hellhole cozy? You�ve only lived for slightly longer than 17 years on this plane of existence and you aren�t exactly happy. So can you work hard, and try to make the best out of whatever you have now? Yes, yes, games, chatting and all are fun. Pleasurable. To put it in a really crude way, (as my friend once said;) �Procrastination is like masturbation, it feels good until you�ve realized that you�ve fucked yourself.� So. What are you doing now? You are still indulging in all your games. Silly games. Grow up. Yeah. I know there�s always this excuse that adults play games too. Personally, I know of grandpas that play Ragnarok and Renewal and other games. Yup. This could be an excuse to play.

But hey, how about, just reverse the timeframe a bit? Xian ku hou tian they say. And that�s what you believe in as well. When you eat, you tend to eat the not so nice things, and eat the nicest at the end. So, shouldn�t you apply that to your life as well?
I�ve been praying and getting more religious. I think God is doing something. The Ragnarok server went down for the whole of this afternoon. Then, it came up in the middle of the night, like a couple of hours ago (midnight). And my character died non-stop. Not really, but it was just bad. And just as I was walking to the in-game church, the game server crashed. Thank you God. =) And now I�m reflecting on all these things. I know that, I can think about all these things, and then my mind goes haywire the next day.
And yeah, since I�m behind time in academic work, and (I�ve got to admit that) I�ve got a stupid attitude-that is, if I can�t do well in something, I don�t do it. It�s either I get it perfect or nothing. So it�s like, in tutorial classes, I can�t do the questions, I get damn turned off. I switch off, and pray that school will be over real fast. I�ll tell myself that I�ll study at home and catch up, and when I reach home, I end up playing games, until about 11pm. That�s when I get tired, and when I get tired, I remember that I�ve yet to do tons of work, I feel slightly guilty/stupid, but alas, that�s too late. I fall asleep.

Yes, yes, right now as I�m typing all this, I am aware that I�ve got my biology tutorial, chemistry tutorial and mathematics assignments all over the room. None of which are done. Overdue. And again, I�m thankful that there isn�t chemistry tutorial class on Mondays. I think I hate chemistry the most. Doesn�t really make sense. Not really tangible or see-able. Everything�s so theoretical. Supposedly this atom moves to that �supposed� atom and this and that. And bang. Everything is in like Lego. Biology. I don�t understand, but I�m not too worried, because I know that they are all facts, facts and nothing to understand. Things just happen this way and that way. Mathematics. It�s like swimming and judo. Or maybe some musical instrument (hey, I�m musically declined. ..if there�s such a term.). You�ve got to practice, not stare and watch. It�s like, you can watch people play the piano and still, you won�t be able to play any pieces unless you�ve tried yourself.

I�m thirsty. I don�t think I should make any more drinks for myself. Okay, maybe something. But I think I should drink plain water. Yup. I usually drink cocoa, coffee, tea and milk as though they are water. Bad. I�m converting to plain water. Good. =)
Geez. I�ve lost my train of thought. Okay. So it�s like. For me to really get interested in class and in work, I�ve got to somehow.. somehow.. get ahead and get my things right. CA is this Friday. CT is at the end of the month. Judo competition is also at the end of the month. 2 weeks. Time isn�t really a problem. For the past 5 years, almost every single test/exam was covered in a few hours. Same old routine. Playing till about 10. Freaking out. Revise madly. And falling asleep at around 1. Waking up at 4am. Freaked out. And revise till exams start.

Well, I�ve thought about it. Thought about co-existing with my bad habit. Huh? Okay, basically it means to accept the fact that I�m a crazy gamer. I have to touch my computer daily. But I�ve got to get my work done as well. Before or after my games somehow. But I guess that�s not going to work. I can�t concentrate if I were to study before I can play. I�ll be too tired if I were to study after I play. Man, I�ve got to give myself a slap. I�m actually thinking of typing this blog entry and playing Ragnarok at the same time NOW! Get a grip. Please. Co-existence won�t work dear. You said it yourself. It�s either the best or nothing. So either you play games to the max, or nothing. So. What do I have to do? Leave my modem in school. Haha. I guess that�s the way man.

But hey, but I�ve got to download Evangelion. I�ve got to leave the computer on. It will take like 370hours more to download. -__- Okay, tell me what�s the point of downloading it if you can�t use your computer? Just buy the damn series. Be original. Fine. What other excuses have you got now? Erh. I feel lonely. I feel. What bullshit. Come on. There�s sms still. And you�ve got to concentrate anyway? And given your sleeping hours (and waking hours), who is around to talk to you? Okay.. And besides, you�ve got God (though it isn�t two-way thing.). What else. Erh, I�ve got to find my notes online. Real fast. I can get lots of things done real fast online. Hmm. Good point. Tell you what. Compile a list of what you want to do online on your PDA and, when there�s a long list, you�ll be allowed to come online. Think of the time you save. Booting up just once and doing so many zillion things. Instead of booting up a zillion times and shutting down a zillion time and wasting your time here and there.

Do you think it�s okay to move the computer out of your room then? Erh. I�ve got to hot-sync my palmtop. Got to recharge it. Nah. No point. Just plug out the charger and use it like your phone charger. *gulp*

And I guess you can leave your modem under your desk. It�s worth losing a modem as compared to screwing up you life, right?

(Haha. I think it�s strange talking to myself.)

So what are you waiting for? Um. Enjoying my last moments online.. Please?

faint sia. my computer is in japanese language. blogspot can detect that too. it changes to jap as well.? to be happy or what? 

they can cast spell too.. and u can get poison and stuff.. hahah. 

f***ed up knight having fun luring porings around.. see my acolyte is knocked out on the floor.. haha 

haha. my acolyte. this is ragnarok battle online. haha. exactly like the same thing. but cuter and funnier. 

wonder if its ever possible to code by yourself totally.. sometimes i think things would get better if one can steal directly from server.. 

Please don't tell me I'm clairvoyant as well. I'm starting to see things. I'm empathic, and I'm thankful for that. But clairvoyance can be scary.

Major headache still. Yes. Amazing. Still playing RO. I took a nap and woke at around 5. and still am playing RO. I�m dumb.

RO. okay. Come think of it. It�s multiplayer. That�s where I don't feel alone. Right now there's no one at home (as usual). (I�m hungry.) No one to talk to. People would think I�m mad if I talk to them for no apparent reason on msn. (Either that or, if it's a girl, she'll think I like her. fuck.) So, I�ve got no one to talk to. The only thing that's probably half amusing, or not amusing at all would be to play games. But I think, that's an illusion. An illusion. So that I will not remember that I�m alone and I�ve got no one to talk to. I�m sad. It�s sad.

My head hurts.

Huh. TV. TV isn't exactly nice. Books. I think I prefer something more interactive.

I�m not alone. God is with me. But hey. God can be felt. Not seen. So what if I can 'feel' the presence of say, lots of people around me. It isn't a two-way thing.

It sucks. I think I'm gonna eat some peanuts. -. - Eating some leftovers. Washing all these down with milk.

Perhaps I should watch some TV. Maybe not.
(Refilled my mug. took a piss. looking at what's outside the window.)

Ah. I should read the purpose driven life book. I�m on day. 23.

Haha. I just realized I�m getting a whole bunch of pimples. I don�t usually have any. Not even one. (I�m aware that, the more I use the computer, the more pimples I have. my face gets oily from all the gaming. and from the junk food I�ve been eating) Ain't got any facial products. No pimple cream. Erh. I�ll just wait for them to go away. Come think of it. I never did get to finish my packet of oil control film I bought 4 years ago. Don�t know where it is now.

Quote from the book:
'Imagine riding in a speedboat on a lake with an automatic pilot set to go east. If you decide to reverse and head west, you have to grab the steering wheel and physically force it to head in the opposite. dir. from where the autopilot is programmed to go. By sheer willpower you could overcome the autopilot, but you would feel constant resistance. Your arms would eventually tire of the stress, you'd let go of the steering wheel, and the boat would instantly head back east, the way ii was internally programmed.'
Yes, willpower can produce short-term change, but it creates constant internal stress because you haven't dealt with the root cause. (Btw, this chapter is talking about becoming Christ-like)

But I guess it's applicable to where am I now. Where I am in life. Not studying and stuff. By willpower I can study. But what's the root cause.

I guess. Seriously. I�m not motivated by all this material things in life. For one, I�m lazy. I don't see or don't really feel the need to get all this things. Though I know they are important. As Todd from www.oddtodd.com says. Mon-ay is important. But I still don't feel it. Perhaps I�ll come to regret when I come out to work.
(Stupid torrent. it's always me at 15kb/s UPLOAD speed and 0 or 1kb/s for download.)
Hah. Come think of it. I need the whole set of Evangelion and LOTR CDs. but I don't have mon-ay. Coz I need my s700i phone and a memory stick.

Or maybe I shouldn�t waste mon-ay on this stupid thing? Perhaps I should just dump my phone? Would I be happier if I can have nice pictures to look at? And at what price? Is money power in this life? This place? Probably. You can get things you want with money. You can hire a killer. You can get to fuck people even if you are fucking ugly. But is that power. Mayhaps.

But didn't preachers always tell us to look at things, or prepare for eternal life? So what use is this? This; pertaining to working so hard for all these material things. To survive? Think again. Can�t sweepers survive? Can�t rag and bone men survive?

Let�s face it. It�s not to survive. It�s for pleasure. Big cars. Big houses. Comfy things. Sex. Power. Pleasure.

I seriously think I�m born into the wrong era. (Or maybe I�ve reincarnated. so; theoretically I�m not born into the wrong era.) Life would be so much better if I was in the era of knights. Of samurais. Then again. If I was born crippled/with defects, or not as big/strong as I am now, I would have thought otherwise. I would have probably yearn to be a scholar or some shit.

Or perhaps. Yes, I�m given all this because I�m here to learn something. What have I done in my past life? Perhaps I didn't really thought family is important. Didn�t really care about them. And now I�m taught to learn to accept my family, for whom they are.

We are always taught to be content. But then again. Why shouldn't everyone want to be 'born better', born into, say a perfect family, wonderful friends, wonderful life, good health, physically perfect? Why aren't everyone born Jesus Christs, saving the world, fighting evil. Why aren't everyone created to be wonderful and all. Huh. Why?

Yes. I�m thankful that I wasn't say, born ugly or born into an extremely bad family. But what about those people in India. Who have no food? No choice of skin color (no one has actually.). Of their background and all. Karma they say. What they did in their past life caused them to become who they are. Hah. Which makes me wonder if its possible for supposedly 'inferior' people to stop reproducing. Then everyone would be perfect and happy. No. Lust. I call it lust, not animal instincts. And according to the Egyptians and Gnostics, humans move through a lot of stages. Moving from minerals to plants to cockroaches [lower insects) to higher] and higher, animals, then to humans and back down again. And each kingdom, say the animal kingdom, have their own rules and stuff. Don�t exactly know, but I guess it has got to mercy, sharing of food and the likes.

I guess, after being in solitude for so long (rather, most of the time), I don't mind living in say, a mountain and meditating. But hey god, don't give me any of those funny things in my next life. I don't exactly want to live in this world again. Life is wonderful. Being alive is wonderful. The design of this world, of humans, plants and animals is superb. But not humans. Evil. Dislike them. Don�t like being with them.

Oh. Maybe it's just me. They are fine people. There are wonderful people on earth. Of course there are. But I�m a pessimist. I look at the bad side of things. Can I pray that you change my mindset? (And if anyone happens to see this, pray for me, whatever or whomever you pray to. Hah. Which makes me wonder if anyone bothers reading this. I�ve always got a lengthy post. And I wouldn't say the format of it is compelling. but oh wells. I�m bloggin for myself.)

Thinking about what I really want from this life. I want to get out of it. Get out of the cycle. So I have to. I have to. Live life 'more spiritually'. Become some part of the clergy. A monk. Ascetics. Hah. In this life? This era? Half (or most of) the people who know me would think I�m a fucktard (been so long since I�ve used that word.). Heh. But, as always, people say, when there's a will, there's a way.

That�s where internal conflict comes in.

I often live to please people. Yeah, that�s sad. Why. Coz I feel that I am worthless. Look at it, which one of us live for ourselves? Truly live for ourselves? Not for parents, not for loved ones and all? Living for God is another matter. Yeah, so we live for others, live to show off. Life is a stage and we are actors. Live life flamboyantly. That�s the way. We live to show off. Show off in different little ways. Most; their wealth, their status, and come think of it, you can also show off your spiritual status. Hanging a cross in front of your neck doesn�t show faith. Well, maybe it can give a little faith. Who knows? God loves to show off as well. We can see that from his hardening of the pharaoh�s heart. Sending the disasters in and all. Showing off His prowess. Guess we humans are made in his image as well. Does that mean same weaknesses? Probably not. As powerful. But different form of thoughts. His is probably higher. In this little world of mine, in cyber land, I�m god-like. But that�s not what I want. Because I have to return to reality. Face reality.

My head hurts. Still hurts. And I�m hungry. I�m off for now. Probably one of the longest posts I�ve done so far.

shit. super headache. still am playing ragnarok. argh. super headache.

only you can help yourself. only you.

argh. an hour already. still severe headache. i am..

9.49 in the morning. i don't feel like doing work. ive uninstalled ro, i feel like reinstalling back. stupid fuck. then again i feel like installing other stuff back. i hate myself. i feel like playing some lame multiplayer shit online. but what's the fucking point. i really feel like reinstalling ro. right now i'm thinking of how nice a lord knight would look like. i hate me. i'm a fucking retard. i can't get my priorities right. hate me hate me hate me. what exactly do you want in this life, huh. i don't want anything. everything is meaningless. stupid humans. i hate humans. i hate this society. i think i'm off to install ragnarok.

<_yeah> OH, FUCK ME
<_yeah> a cpu got stolen from work on thursday
<_yeah> i was on duty that day, so my boss made me go over the surveillence videos
<_yeah> ... and i just found out who made off with the sempron 3100+
<_yeah> http://img13.exs.cx/img13/5418/cputhief22ov.jpg

<_yeah> http://img192.exs.cx/img192/5600/cputhief9ge.jpg

looks like a little girl
thats a cpu?
<_yeah> maybe because it is
<_yeah> yeah, that's a retail-boxed cpu
it looks more like a packet of drink
<_yeah> i'm pretty sure the large guy in the white coat planned it
* sssr has quit IRC (Excess Flood)
It does look like a setup

yadayada. 

Useless me. Some dude(forgot who) told me that his/her fren watched constantine. It's not out yet.. I went home, got my server up, and was playing ragnarok(yes, yet again. shit.) from 3 to 9pm. I ate, and now I'm here blogging. =(

I feel like shit.

What's so entertaining about ragnarok? The graphics are nice. The skills and animations look nice. I've been playing it since I've been beta testing it for Ragnarok in 2001. And never gotten sick of it. Guess that has to be changed. Undeniably, the graphics are really nice and yeah.. just compel you to stay on..

Been looking and working at sourcecodes. Geez. Computing is another form of maths. =S

I feel sucky.

Everytime I'll play games, stay on my com, and I'll only feel guilty about playing when I feel tired. By then, I'll be too tired to do anything.

Why is it that, I just can't stay focused. Well. There are only 2 instances whereby I actually had discipline.

Sec 2 - Had this talk with deputy headmaster. Man. btw, I meetup with the deputy headmaster every year. Annual thing. Regarding my results. hah. Got scared. terminated SCV internet. Got a fine of .. close to $500 + all the weird fees for terminating before the contract matured. And by sec 3 term 1, I got an average of 70% for my subjects. i slacked again. and I had to meetup with headmaster yet again.

Sec 4 - I was on probation. Had to meet up with director of academic studies. Risk of dropping to 7 subjects. That's like. very very rare in Ri. Freaking hell. I cleared term 1. But I screwed up again after probation. Why else would I be here. fucked up school. fucked up.

Hey, primary 6 doesn't count. I'm brainless. Mum says eat shit; I'll eat shit. Doing work like mad. Fucking no life. But it paid off. It's just a pity the Raffles through train came in late.

For some reasons, I wished that I didn't mature. Probably not now. Then I won't be in kind of crisis. Procrastination and shit. Life sucks. (huh. since when did I say that. I always say, life doesn't suck. It's what in life that sucks. ya ya.)

fuck. i've got lost of things to say. but i think i'm summing them up with a 'fuck'.

feel like shit. zz.

(restoring data) what the hell? I think microsoft estimation script sucks to the core.. lol.. 62682minutes remaining. 

halfway there.. but not quite.. 

Firewall First. whatever you do, firewall is always first. 

wohoo! brand 'new'.. formatted the com at 12.50 and reinstalled shit back. 

My backup CD-Rs are breaking down. And I'm half freaked out. So I'm sorting out my stuff again. one by one. categorize. and copying discs to harddrives and sorting them out yet again. .