Major headache still. Yes. Amazing. Still playing RO. I took a nap and woke at around 5. and still am playing RO. I�m dumb.
RO. okay. Come think of it. It�s multiplayer. That�s where I don't feel alone. Right now there's no one at home (as usual). (I�m hungry.) No one to talk to. People would think I�m mad if I talk to them for no apparent reason on msn. (Either that or, if it's a girl, she'll think I like her. fuck.) So, I�ve got no one to talk to. The only thing that's probably half amusing, or not amusing at all would be to play games. But I think, that's an illusion. An illusion. So that I will not remember that I�m alone and I�ve got no one to talk to. I�m sad. It�s sad.
My head hurts.
Huh. TV. TV isn't exactly nice. Books. I think I prefer something more interactive.
I�m not alone. God is with me. But hey. God can be felt. Not seen. So what if I can 'feel' the presence of say, lots of people around me. It isn't a two-way thing.
It sucks. I think I'm gonna eat some peanuts. -. - Eating some leftovers. Washing all these down with milk.
Perhaps I should watch some TV. Maybe not.
(Refilled my mug. took a piss. looking at what's outside the window.)
Ah. I should read the purpose driven life book. I�m on day. 23.
Haha. I just realized I�m getting a whole bunch of pimples. I don�t usually have any. Not even one. (I�m aware that, the more I use the computer, the more pimples I have. my face gets oily from all the gaming. and from the junk food I�ve been eating) Ain't got any facial products. No pimple cream. Erh. I�ll just wait for them to go away. Come think of it. I never did get to finish my packet of oil control film I bought 4 years ago. Don�t know where it is now.
Quote from the book:
'Imagine riding in a speedboat on a lake with an automatic pilot set to go east. If you decide to reverse and head west, you have to grab the steering wheel and physically force it to head in the opposite. dir. from where the autopilot is programmed to go. By sheer willpower you could overcome the autopilot, but you would feel constant resistance. Your arms would eventually tire of the stress, you'd let go of the steering wheel, and the boat would instantly head back east, the way ii was internally programmed.'
Yes, willpower can produce short-term change, but it creates constant internal stress because you haven't dealt with the root cause. (Btw, this chapter is talking about becoming Christ-like)
But I guess it's applicable to where am I now. Where I am in life. Not studying and stuff. By willpower I can study. But what's the root cause.
I guess. Seriously. I�m not motivated by all this material things in life. For one, I�m lazy. I don't see or don't really feel the need to get all this things. Though I know they are important. As Todd from www.oddtodd.com says. Mon-ay is important. But I still don't feel it. Perhaps I�ll come to regret when I come out to work.
(Stupid torrent. it's always me at 15kb/s UPLOAD speed and 0 or 1kb/s for download.)
Hah. Come think of it. I need the whole set of Evangelion and LOTR CDs. but I don't have mon-ay. Coz I need my s700i phone and a memory stick.
Or maybe I shouldn�t waste mon-ay on this stupid thing? Perhaps I should just dump my phone? Would I be happier if I can have nice pictures to look at? And at what price? Is money power in this life? This place? Probably. You can get things you want with money. You can hire a killer. You can get to fuck people even if you are fucking ugly. But is that power. Mayhaps.
But didn't preachers always tell us to look at things, or prepare for eternal life? So what use is this? This; pertaining to working so hard for all these material things. To survive? Think again. Can�t sweepers survive? Can�t rag and bone men survive?
Let�s face it. It�s not to survive. It�s for pleasure. Big cars. Big houses. Comfy things. Sex. Power. Pleasure.
I seriously think I�m born into the wrong era. (Or maybe I�ve reincarnated. so; theoretically I�m not born into the wrong era.) Life would be so much better if I was in the era of knights. Of samurais. Then again. If I was born crippled/with defects, or not as big/strong as I am now, I would have thought otherwise. I would have probably yearn to be a scholar or some shit.
Or perhaps. Yes, I�m given all this because I�m here to learn something. What have I done in my past life? Perhaps I didn't really thought family is important. Didn�t really care about them. And now I�m taught to learn to accept my family, for whom they are.
We are always taught to be content. But then again. Why shouldn't everyone want to be 'born better', born into, say a perfect family, wonderful friends, wonderful life, good health, physically perfect? Why aren't everyone born Jesus Christs, saving the world, fighting evil. Why aren't everyone created to be wonderful and all. Huh. Why?
Yes. I�m thankful that I wasn't say, born ugly or born into an extremely bad family. But what about those people in India. Who have no food? No choice of skin color (no one has actually.). Of their background and all. Karma they say. What they did in their past life caused them to become who they are. Hah. Which makes me wonder if its possible for supposedly 'inferior' people to stop reproducing. Then everyone would be perfect and happy. No. Lust. I call it lust, not animal instincts. And according to the Egyptians and Gnostics, humans move through a lot of stages. Moving from minerals to plants to cockroaches [lower insects) to higher] and higher, animals, then to humans and back down again. And each kingdom, say the animal kingdom, have their own rules and stuff. Don�t exactly know, but I guess it has got to mercy, sharing of food and the likes.
I guess, after being in solitude for so long (rather, most of the time), I don't mind living in say, a mountain and meditating. But hey god, don't give me any of those funny things in my next life. I don't exactly want to live in this world again. Life is wonderful. Being alive is wonderful. The design of this world, of humans, plants and animals is superb. But not humans. Evil. Dislike them. Don�t like being with them.
Oh. Maybe it's just me. They are fine people. There are wonderful people on earth. Of course there are. But I�m a pessimist. I look at the bad side of things. Can I pray that you change my mindset? (And if anyone happens to see this, pray for me, whatever or whomever you pray to. Hah. Which makes me wonder if anyone bothers reading this. I�ve always got a lengthy post. And I wouldn't say the format of it is compelling. but oh wells. I�m bloggin for myself.)
Thinking about what I really want from this life. I want to get out of it. Get out of the cycle. So I have to. I have to. Live life 'more spiritually'. Become some part of the clergy. A monk. Ascetics. Hah. In this life? This era? Half (or most of) the people who know me would think I�m a fucktard (been so long since I�ve used that word.). Heh. But, as always, people say, when there's a will, there's a way.
That�s where internal conflict comes in.
I often live to please people. Yeah, that�s sad. Why. Coz I feel that I am worthless. Look at it, which one of us live for ourselves? Truly live for ourselves? Not for parents, not for loved ones and all? Living for God is another matter. Yeah, so we live for others, live to show off. Life is a stage and we are actors. Live life flamboyantly. That�s the way. We live to show off. Show off in different little ways. Most; their wealth, their status, and come think of it, you can also show off your spiritual status. Hanging a cross in front of your neck doesn�t show faith. Well, maybe it can give a little faith. Who knows? God loves to show off as well. We can see that from his hardening of the pharaoh�s heart. Sending the disasters in and all. Showing off His prowess. Guess we humans are made in his image as well. Does that mean same weaknesses? Probably not. As powerful. But different form of thoughts. His is probably higher. In this little world of mine, in cyber land, I�m god-like. But that�s not what I want. Because I have to return to reality. Face reality.
My head hurts. Still hurts. And I�m hungry. I�m off for now. Probably one of the longest posts I�ve done so far.
RO. okay. Come think of it. It�s multiplayer. That�s where I don't feel alone. Right now there's no one at home (as usual). (I�m hungry.) No one to talk to. People would think I�m mad if I talk to them for no apparent reason on msn. (Either that or, if it's a girl, she'll think I like her. fuck.) So, I�ve got no one to talk to. The only thing that's probably half amusing, or not amusing at all would be to play games. But I think, that's an illusion. An illusion. So that I will not remember that I�m alone and I�ve got no one to talk to. I�m sad. It�s sad.
My head hurts.
Huh. TV. TV isn't exactly nice. Books. I think I prefer something more interactive.
I�m not alone. God is with me. But hey. God can be felt. Not seen. So what if I can 'feel' the presence of say, lots of people around me. It isn't a two-way thing.
It sucks. I think I'm gonna eat some peanuts. -. - Eating some leftovers. Washing all these down with milk.
Perhaps I should watch some TV. Maybe not.
(Refilled my mug. took a piss. looking at what's outside the window.)
Ah. I should read the purpose driven life book. I�m on day. 23.
Haha. I just realized I�m getting a whole bunch of pimples. I don�t usually have any. Not even one. (I�m aware that, the more I use the computer, the more pimples I have. my face gets oily from all the gaming. and from the junk food I�ve been eating) Ain't got any facial products. No pimple cream. Erh. I�ll just wait for them to go away. Come think of it. I never did get to finish my packet of oil control film I bought 4 years ago. Don�t know where it is now.
Quote from the book:
'Imagine riding in a speedboat on a lake with an automatic pilot set to go east. If you decide to reverse and head west, you have to grab the steering wheel and physically force it to head in the opposite. dir. from where the autopilot is programmed to go. By sheer willpower you could overcome the autopilot, but you would feel constant resistance. Your arms would eventually tire of the stress, you'd let go of the steering wheel, and the boat would instantly head back east, the way ii was internally programmed.'
Yes, willpower can produce short-term change, but it creates constant internal stress because you haven't dealt with the root cause. (Btw, this chapter is talking about becoming Christ-like)
But I guess it's applicable to where am I now. Where I am in life. Not studying and stuff. By willpower I can study. But what's the root cause.
I guess. Seriously. I�m not motivated by all this material things in life. For one, I�m lazy. I don't see or don't really feel the need to get all this things. Though I know they are important. As Todd from www.oddtodd.com says. Mon-ay is important. But I still don't feel it. Perhaps I�ll come to regret when I come out to work.
(Stupid torrent. it's always me at 15kb/s UPLOAD speed and 0 or 1kb/s for download.)
Hah. Come think of it. I need the whole set of Evangelion and LOTR CDs. but I don't have mon-ay. Coz I need my s700i phone and a memory stick.
Or maybe I shouldn�t waste mon-ay on this stupid thing? Perhaps I should just dump my phone? Would I be happier if I can have nice pictures to look at? And at what price? Is money power in this life? This place? Probably. You can get things you want with money. You can hire a killer. You can get to fuck people even if you are fucking ugly. But is that power. Mayhaps.
But didn't preachers always tell us to look at things, or prepare for eternal life? So what use is this? This; pertaining to working so hard for all these material things. To survive? Think again. Can�t sweepers survive? Can�t rag and bone men survive?
Let�s face it. It�s not to survive. It�s for pleasure. Big cars. Big houses. Comfy things. Sex. Power. Pleasure.
I seriously think I�m born into the wrong era. (Or maybe I�ve reincarnated. so; theoretically I�m not born into the wrong era.) Life would be so much better if I was in the era of knights. Of samurais. Then again. If I was born crippled/with defects, or not as big/strong as I am now, I would have thought otherwise. I would have probably yearn to be a scholar or some shit.
Or perhaps. Yes, I�m given all this because I�m here to learn something. What have I done in my past life? Perhaps I didn't really thought family is important. Didn�t really care about them. And now I�m taught to learn to accept my family, for whom they are.
We are always taught to be content. But then again. Why shouldn't everyone want to be 'born better', born into, say a perfect family, wonderful friends, wonderful life, good health, physically perfect? Why aren't everyone born Jesus Christs, saving the world, fighting evil. Why aren't everyone created to be wonderful and all. Huh. Why?
Yes. I�m thankful that I wasn't say, born ugly or born into an extremely bad family. But what about those people in India. Who have no food? No choice of skin color (no one has actually.). Of their background and all. Karma they say. What they did in their past life caused them to become who they are. Hah. Which makes me wonder if its possible for supposedly 'inferior' people to stop reproducing. Then everyone would be perfect and happy. No. Lust. I call it lust, not animal instincts. And according to the Egyptians and Gnostics, humans move through a lot of stages. Moving from minerals to plants to cockroaches [lower insects) to higher] and higher, animals, then to humans and back down again. And each kingdom, say the animal kingdom, have their own rules and stuff. Don�t exactly know, but I guess it has got to mercy, sharing of food and the likes.
I guess, after being in solitude for so long (rather, most of the time), I don't mind living in say, a mountain and meditating. But hey god, don't give me any of those funny things in my next life. I don't exactly want to live in this world again. Life is wonderful. Being alive is wonderful. The design of this world, of humans, plants and animals is superb. But not humans. Evil. Dislike them. Don�t like being with them.
Oh. Maybe it's just me. They are fine people. There are wonderful people on earth. Of course there are. But I�m a pessimist. I look at the bad side of things. Can I pray that you change my mindset? (And if anyone happens to see this, pray for me, whatever or whomever you pray to. Hah. Which makes me wonder if anyone bothers reading this. I�ve always got a lengthy post. And I wouldn't say the format of it is compelling. but oh wells. I�m bloggin for myself.)
Thinking about what I really want from this life. I want to get out of it. Get out of the cycle. So I have to. I have to. Live life 'more spiritually'. Become some part of the clergy. A monk. Ascetics. Hah. In this life? This era? Half (or most of) the people who know me would think I�m a fucktard (been so long since I�ve used that word.). Heh. But, as always, people say, when there's a will, there's a way.
That�s where internal conflict comes in.
I often live to please people. Yeah, that�s sad. Why. Coz I feel that I am worthless. Look at it, which one of us live for ourselves? Truly live for ourselves? Not for parents, not for loved ones and all? Living for God is another matter. Yeah, so we live for others, live to show off. Life is a stage and we are actors. Live life flamboyantly. That�s the way. We live to show off. Show off in different little ways. Most; their wealth, their status, and come think of it, you can also show off your spiritual status. Hanging a cross in front of your neck doesn�t show faith. Well, maybe it can give a little faith. Who knows? God loves to show off as well. We can see that from his hardening of the pharaoh�s heart. Sending the disasters in and all. Showing off His prowess. Guess we humans are made in his image as well. Does that mean same weaknesses? Probably not. As powerful. But different form of thoughts. His is probably higher. In this little world of mine, in cyber land, I�m god-like. But that�s not what I want. Because I have to return to reality. Face reality.
My head hurts. Still hurts. And I�m hungry. I�m off for now. Probably one of the longest posts I�ve done so far.
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