i miss talking shit with you at this hour. rhetorical shit. and waking up a couple of hours later. then talk again for about 10 mins. walk to the bus interchange. and then smile like an idiot when i see you.


how nice would it be if i could wake up later and. get dressed up in school uniform again.


i don't know what's with this randomness, but. yeah. really.

one-handed driving and talking on the phone. dude, for gawds sake, at least use loudspeaker. and not when you are doing a turn and everyone's waiting.



spoiler on a .. corolla.

shit. it's not alot of blood but it hasn't stop yet.

I feel guilty.

Even now when all the conditions are right and in place, I still can't get started on revision.

I expected to not do well last year. And so did I, three years ago.

It's no secret that I'm a lazy ass. It's easy to not want to do well. It's hard to make a mental transition when you are living comfortably. The frog in the cauldron knows that the water is warming up slightly. It will boil in about one and a half year's time, and the longest I can stay put would be about five years. Yea, starting from now. The former refers to my ORD date, the latter (if there's even one in the first place) shall refer to graduation date. Then reality would slap me real hard.

I've been doing the same things daily, since I was 14. Surf the net for quirky/interesting articles. Games. Music. Blog. Do some useless reflection that make me feel intellectual. That's useless though, for the simple fact that I don't work on my flaws.

So what's the big hoo-ha about becoming a better person? Doesn't it pay to be happy? I do not wish to digress here because this simply leads to rhetorical, common-sensical bitching.

Till now I still find it irritating. I don't get the whole notion of studying. I'm myopic. Job? Money? There are alot of ways to get money, why, must we climb up step by step to secure a job? It's tedious and I'm a lazy person.

Because it gives us wisdom?
Because through studying you may gain some unique experience?
Because it sharpens your mind and allows you to apply your problem-solving skills?
Because it helps you to be logical?
Because ?

True, but only to a small extent. Just take a good look around. There are seriously dumb people with good grades. But I'm not discounting the fact that there are people with both though. But this is out of the point. We all know that grades are not good indicators.

Well someone told me 'I sound defeated'. Defeated.. And I wonder why and how. Maybe.. In the sense that I can't face up to reality.. I am not up to challenges. Honestly, the world seems to be made up of two kinds of people. The type that's always ready for challenges, seeking them. You can see them IRL, and in cyberworld. That's supposedly the 'ideal' type that 'achieves' most.

Wait. What's wrong with being me? Why do I seem to not like myself? I can't seem to take a stand. Seems that I am right(my judgement, perceptions, etc). Yet people around me show me otherwise. Hence the uncertainty. They say no man is an island. Cliche. Still, must I follow the crowd? Are you certain that you can make it on your own? Obviously not. Nothing's for sure.

Back here in my office I've got a colleage who's a exaggerated version of me, minus the rational side. He's lazy, much more lazy than me. (well at least I can live with four/five hours of sleep daily and I love exercising, and he can't.) He's too lazy to work as well, and he gambles quite abit. Well from a third party point of view he's some crazy fella. And I guess that's what I look like to most people.

(Digressing abit, I would seriously love to see a replica of me, a life-sized model of me. Argh, I'm dying to see a tangible version of myself. No, no narcissism here, really. It's just that I can't exactly put a finger to my image in the mirror. Do I look scary? Am I really that big? Or am I average afterall? How would it feel like to fight someone my size? =))


Ah crap. I lost my train of thought.


Oh yeah. Back then (when I was in school) I was saying, if I could have time to myself, I could probably study. And now what. There's no change. How do I make myself change?

Idea, anyone?

Damn my eyes are seeing things. I was jogging and on my way back I saw a woman walking around in her undies (not even footwear). And at the point in time when I took the pic, she bent down and got dressed up slowly. Weird huh.


Blur, coz I took it from 50metres away in the dark (don't get me wrong I was taking a shortcut through the field.

HAHA!

Can pain alone kill, physical pain that is?

Imagine getting your bones broken, shins, jaws, hands, ribs. But no bleeding, more specifically no loss of blood. No organs punctured.

Would pain shut down your brain, permanently? Or would you be numb?

Is there a maximum threshold for pain/damage before the brain decides to switch off, before it decides to give up on you?

Doesn't this remind you of half life 1?




"What are you waiting for?"
"Yes Gordon, we have absolute faith in you."

It's suddenly not so amazing when you've got a car sitting in the carpark. Even when you do not have to bother about downpayment of the car, petrol, maint cost, license, taxes.


Examples of some questions that may come to mind.

Will someone scratch my car?

Will I buang my car when I drive?

Did a TP book me just now?

Will some lunatic set fire or scratch my car?

Is someone going to steal my hub caps or my valve caps?

Have I locked the car?

Is there sufficient fund in my cashcard?

Could I have better used the money spent on my car?

I could have gotten property or changed a new com or gotten some new gizmos.

Why are there so many freaking rules and regulations for sg cars?

Why can't we stick vinyl and stickers like nobody's business?

Did that person mistook me and took that as cue for racing?

Why is he tailgating me?

Crap, is that a ROV(registry of veh) or TP(traffic police)?

Why's my ride squeaking when it goes over humps?

Is a car really necessary?

Should I migrate to AU or US where cars are much cheaper?

Are these friends or bad company, drawn to my car?

Now I'm staring at my cash, materialized as the cold machine. I need some of that cash!

I miss the times whereby I could simply take a train and drop off, and walk around some malls. Right now each entry means the IU beeping and a huge LCD saying 'Thank You'. Also, there aren't many things to look at. Just cars and more cars on the expressway. At least when I was taking train/bus home I could look at girls.

Humps are irritating! They keep scraping my bodykit! And I have to go so freaking slow when I go over them.

The car seems to be slower after installing coilovers and doing engine modifications.

Did I accidentally unlock the car from my bedroom(using the remote)?

It's so taxing on the mind driving around. All mistakes are costly, literally. Sometimes you are careful but not others.

It's not that cool afterall when you haven't got a chick to drive around. Just you and your dumb car.

Driving games/simulators are so much more fun. You could just ram your car, change it, mod it as you please.

It seems, so suddenly, that driving is not for those who can afford it. (Personally,) It's only comfortable (for your heart and wallet) to drive, if you can afford to crash cars and just dump them in the scrapyard. You need not be a millionaire, but in the first place you should have a constant, renewable source of revenue. Seriously doesn't make sense when you have a car but your balance in the bank has only three digits.

Cars are never an investment. That's for sure.

There was never such a rule as legal alcohol/blood limit. So long you have a drop of alcohol and that the TP doesn't like your face, your license is gone.



Dread.

http://lifebeforedeath.org.sg/intro.htm

campaign for real beauty

Unfortunately for most women the combination of manly body and female values is usually found only in gay or effeminate men.

On also, the more masculine the male is, the faster he goes bald.

taken today

I can only say .. THANK YOU!

Now that I look at that again.

THAT'S FUCKING CRAZY!





I would like to have my ankles, knees, wrist ligament and nerves restored to stock condition though.
It's not that fun when your knees ache like mad, even if they alternate among each other.
Quite awkard when your back just cramps up for no reason, making you unable to walk properly without gaiting (slightly).
Still tolerable when a right-hand-er loses the use of his left.

Sidenotes:
1)Testosterone seems to improve concentration and endurance.
It also helps in spatial ability. Like counterstrike. Like parking and racing.
On the flipside it does increase baldness and there is an optimum amount of
testosterone.

1a)Think mine's pretty low despite of my build. Facial hair doesn't really grow. Unable to think like most guys - goal-oriented, must lead, must have say, must fight. HAHA.

2)Females become 'happy' when they see this particular shape - round, short limbs. Like teddies and obese people. However, they prefer males that are tall and big, things that scream virile when they are fertile - and this preferance may just last for a night.

3)


too tired to read on. sleeping now.

Right now I seriously have no idea if you are happy or not. If you aren't, it is a damn huge sacrifice.

Honestly, I'm no mind-reader. And I've fucked up.


Damn. Gone. Fucking goner.


I think would be too evil to mug him of you.


I know you hate this but I'll just wait.

I got my life summarized in the previous hour. This is the shortest and closest analogy ever (to my current situation). And it just happened to me.



You were jogging/running. You know your pace is good. Quite fast. In fact, faster than average. You kept running and with each step your pride swells.
Birth till sec school days.

Till your knee somewhat gave way. You tried compressing your knee with your palms. Tried squatting and standing like a dork. Jumping. Hoping that the stuff will somehow go back in, but it didn't seem to work.
sec sch

And so you decide to walk. All the while you had only one thing on your mind.
"Maybe I should turn around and walk back home."
"Maybe I should at least hit the halfway mark before taking a shortcut home."
"Maybe I should complete the entire 10km."

The first option would make you sound somewhat loserish, the third; you are too weak mentally to accept, and so you went along with the second option so you became somewhat like a half-wuss. But hey, it's not as bad as going back straight away, right?
end of sec sch to jc

You were there standing at the mrt station (the halfway mark) standing there like a dork and observing people.
jc

And after a long while you decided to take a train home.
Just that in my case here there does not seem to be a fast way back.

---------------------------------------------
Not exactly a good or comprehensible analogy, but here's as fast as it goes.



I'm thankful for everything I have now no matter what, because it seems that one will somehow reminisce and for some strange reason, the past has always been better. Right now - half the time I'm not doing anything, stoning my brain out, but hey. That seemed to be something I wanted to do all along. Stone myself out. Do nothing. Idle. And on top of that, this allows me much slack to think through alot of things, though, half the time I find it easier to just blank out and wait for time to pass.

Let me just type as fast as possible what I typed in the office today before I go to sleep and wake up at around midnight.

------------------------------

Well I don't exactly know what I'm doing. It's three-twenty-two now. Few more hours to freedom. I've decided to type over here at my workplace, print it out and transfer it over when I get home. I just can't seem to stop thinking when I'm over here in the office and back hoem I just blank out. Since I've got the time, why not?


I still remember the days when I was a trainee. There's once where we got to book out o National day. It made me conclude that the very act of going home and staying overnight, wipes quite a chunk of our memories. Back then each of us had to keep a diary in which we have to log every single event. And after we booked in, none of us were able to recall what we did just two days ago (less those that lgoged events down in real time); in fact, it felt very much like a weekend bookout. Why's this so? Perhaps we are all mindless zombies. Few would want to be here. The brain simply shuts off. There's nothing of any worth remembering either.

I recall chatting to mates when I was a botak. During our time 'inside', quite a few of us felt emotionless. No sense of time, no anger, not much thoughts. Akin to floating logs in the sea. Just waiting for time to pass, waiting somewhat helplessly. There weren't much things to look forward to either. Meals, personal free time and booking out.


Quite abit of sidetracking there. Basically I've been stoning my brains out almost everyday. Sitting in front of the computer doing nothign because most of the work I'm supposed to do requires some form of action taken by a third party, things that are just beyond my control. For instance, getting signatures, waiting for email replise, waiting for verifications etc. Other than that, I waste my life clicking around, keying in values and adjusting table size, reprinting and printing coverslips for documents because 'they' say 'the format is not standard'. Right now it's quite scary. Many a times I find myself pinching myself and find it all so weird. Like, hey, I don't recall seeing myself in this uniform doing this work in the first place. Where am I? Why am I doing these? Disorientated sense of time and place. I just found myself twiddling my left collar. There was a collar pin there, not too long ago.



I'm slowly opening up to the rest of the people in my office. Today was good. None of our superiors were in the office today. And so my seniors were playing red alert 2 via LAN. Playing arcade games with cute little sprites. Time is relative, and today it seems to pass rather quickly.


Still, I'm particular about my 'time of release' whether or not I'm enjoying life here. In fact, it was into my second week in here that I started fiddling around with excel spreadsheets, deriving formulas so that it would automatically countdown and keep track of days for me. 181 days in service. 489 days to go. 49 days in this office. Week 26 of 96 currently. Frankly speaking I'm not too sure what I would be doing when I become a 'free man'. Pertaining to life after studies. Life seems uncertain. But on the rhetorical side, how can I be sure I would live till then?

It's the second conference I've attended ever since I became a clerk.

Rather strange but, honestly, conferences don't seem necessary. At the end of the day, the boss still has the final say.

The objective of a conference is very much like arming oneself with as much information as possible and one has to stay abreast of happenings. So much preparation to save ones skin, face rather. To make oneself seem all knowing.

Well. It's good in the sense that one would at least, make some sort of an attempt to be updated, no matter how feeble. At least it keeps things in check.


Today I realized that, no matter how high your rank is, everyone's just as blur as anyone else. Doesn't matter if you have a bar on your shoulder or a crab. Haha.

4oct 0851: Damn. So much for the ice and styrofoam packaging. Fresh goat milk. Diarrhoea.

I think I would be getting an old civic with VTEC/SiR engine. Doesn't actually make sense to get a new ride when
1) I'm not even working
2) They are all cars afterall
3) It's not right to waste money

I would be getting something like..

[I plonked out yesterday and here I am trying to continue typing but it seems that I've lost my train of thought. I'll publish this entry anyway.]


I think I'm a sore loser. Always bitter. Been thinking along the line of 'life was much better then' you see.


When I was a kid, all I bothered was getting my toys and watching my cartoons. And I would get them. Nothing else mattered. I have no idea how days passed. How could I even live life like that?


And I was still schooling not too long ago. Other than having to wake up early, life was good. Have fun in school. Sleep in lessons. Hang out after school. Hate myself for being lazy. Start revision the night/day before each paper. Late for exams. Rinse and repeat.


I remember lobo-ing around few months ago. Complaining of loneliness. Missing mates who enlisted much earlier than me. Then came April. And the whole fucking world changed. I think life was better as a trainee (get what I mean, here I am comparing the past and now yet again). Definitely, there's the huge lack of freedom. But at least you get to do something new everyday. Learn something new everyday. Refreshing break from everyday life.


Right now it's office work. Doing errands for officers. Wash mugs. Make coffee. Photocopy. Fax. Send their uniforms for alteration. Collect documents. Ring people up. I was thinking that all these were crap (well actually they are), but come think of it, I did learn and experience things. What are the odds of getting this very appointment I'm holding, which subscribes you to classified information? Interesting things I must say.

Only today did it dawn on me that I was actually interacting with different personalities of mine in the office. Let's just name them so.

A is in his thirties and is a bachelor. He has a say in almost everything, and he must have a say. He is a nice person, caring for his workers, giving treats every now and then, interacts often with subordinates.

B is married, has foul temper and is unable to hold a conversation for more than 10 seconds with his subordinates. He likes to bootlick superiors.

C talks non-stop. He believes he is popular with the rest. He is rather bitchy and extremely egoistic. On the contrary he seems rather sensitive.

D is the perfect subordinate. Always serious. Weird humor that kicks in at the worst timing, always. Work takes highest priority in life.

E is the dreamer. He dreams of being rich one day. Nice person on the whole.

F and G are both good with computers. Somewhat distant people yet not. They are somewhat like me.

H is a nice superior who knows how to play his cards right. Treats subordinates well because he knows that without us, nothing in the office will be done. Swears 'heartily' - to be taken with a pinch of salt.

I is always broke. Smokes. Borrowing money always. An average chap.

J is one who always go by the book, the only thing that I find irritating. On the whole, polite, nice person.

K is the rich kid. Or seemingly rich. Egoistic and seems scheming. An okay acquaintance.

Reflections of common personas eh? Now I'm much more conscious of myself. How much I can change myself I do not know, but have my word, I will.


70 weeks to go and here I am, figuring out how, can I become a better person. And also, what good does it do? Also, there must be something to look forward to, something unique to look forward to(this excludes jokes and random hilarous incidents with other colleages-that's commonplace!).

I know I need a change. Since. Ages ago. I know how, too. BUt Just a matter of doing it. Convincing myself. Having some discipline. Life would be much more wonderful.

newbie practices
[180deg turn]
gas
pull ebrake, clutch in (do not brake)
brake when you are facing the direction you want to face

[90deg turn]
gas
brake slightly when approaching corners
ebrake, clutch in, at the same time steer in the direction you want to go to
throw ebrake, gas, and countersteer
when car straightens resume driving.

drifting notes.

[e-brake method]
brake
turn wheel
clutch in and pull ebrake (at this moment in time you immediately lift your leg off the brake pedal)
release ebrake and clutch and countersteer
wait till your car drifts out and face the exit direction, then, gently step on the accelerator

[shift-lock method]
gas all the way in third gear
brake and steer
car should slide
then countersteer and carry on as per normal.

[power over] (for slippery surfaces, needs excellent front tires grip)
steer into corner
gas if need be
as you exit, countersteer
only when you reach the exit point you hit gas.

[braking]
in third gear, gas, your car has to be fast
brake (needs experience in judging here)
slow down about 70% and just let go
steer into corner
brake, turn, heel-toe, steer in simultaneously
shift down to second gear with foot still on brake
do not lock your gear

[feint]
steer in the dir opposite that you want to steer into, slightly,
jerk back to your actual dir and gas, pedal to metal
once car slides, release gas

[lift-off]
third gear, gas all the way
steer slightly
when car slides, countersteer and gas again