I feel guilty.

Even now when all the conditions are right and in place, I still can't get started on revision.

I expected to not do well last year. And so did I, three years ago.

It's no secret that I'm a lazy ass. It's easy to not want to do well. It's hard to make a mental transition when you are living comfortably. The frog in the cauldron knows that the water is warming up slightly. It will boil in about one and a half year's time, and the longest I can stay put would be about five years. Yea, starting from now. The former refers to my ORD date, the latter (if there's even one in the first place) shall refer to graduation date. Then reality would slap me real hard.

I've been doing the same things daily, since I was 14. Surf the net for quirky/interesting articles. Games. Music. Blog. Do some useless reflection that make me feel intellectual. That's useless though, for the simple fact that I don't work on my flaws.

So what's the big hoo-ha about becoming a better person? Doesn't it pay to be happy? I do not wish to digress here because this simply leads to rhetorical, common-sensical bitching.

Till now I still find it irritating. I don't get the whole notion of studying. I'm myopic. Job? Money? There are alot of ways to get money, why, must we climb up step by step to secure a job? It's tedious and I'm a lazy person.

Because it gives us wisdom?
Because through studying you may gain some unique experience?
Because it sharpens your mind and allows you to apply your problem-solving skills?
Because it helps you to be logical?
Because ?

True, but only to a small extent. Just take a good look around. There are seriously dumb people with good grades. But I'm not discounting the fact that there are people with both though. But this is out of the point. We all know that grades are not good indicators.

Well someone told me 'I sound defeated'. Defeated.. And I wonder why and how. Maybe.. In the sense that I can't face up to reality.. I am not up to challenges. Honestly, the world seems to be made up of two kinds of people. The type that's always ready for challenges, seeking them. You can see them IRL, and in cyberworld. That's supposedly the 'ideal' type that 'achieves' most.

Wait. What's wrong with being me? Why do I seem to not like myself? I can't seem to take a stand. Seems that I am right(my judgement, perceptions, etc). Yet people around me show me otherwise. Hence the uncertainty. They say no man is an island. Cliche. Still, must I follow the crowd? Are you certain that you can make it on your own? Obviously not. Nothing's for sure.

Back here in my office I've got a colleage who's a exaggerated version of me, minus the rational side. He's lazy, much more lazy than me. (well at least I can live with four/five hours of sleep daily and I love exercising, and he can't.) He's too lazy to work as well, and he gambles quite abit. Well from a third party point of view he's some crazy fella. And I guess that's what I look like to most people.

(Digressing abit, I would seriously love to see a replica of me, a life-sized model of me. Argh, I'm dying to see a tangible version of myself. No, no narcissism here, really. It's just that I can't exactly put a finger to my image in the mirror. Do I look scary? Am I really that big? Or am I average afterall? How would it feel like to fight someone my size? =))


Ah crap. I lost my train of thought.


Oh yeah. Back then (when I was in school) I was saying, if I could have time to myself, I could probably study. And now what. There's no change. How do I make myself change?

Idea, anyone?