It's almost four. I never thought I would wake up in the middle of the night, especially so when I slept only at two.


Rather unexpected.

I woke up just a while ago, breaking out in cold sweat, sneezing away.

And I've made myself some hot milk, had some biscuits. Drank concoctions; gingseng and pei pa gel-ly. Hopefully I will wake up fine.

I never took this long to cut my nails. And it's not like they look nice now. Dog-bitten still. Most of the time I take only 3 seconds per nail. 3 clips and I'm done.

I can't barely work the rice scoop. Keep dropping my utensils. Poor coordination and sometimes with a fork (becomes like a lever) I send rice flying.

The knees either wobble or cramp. I only took a shower. Not a marathon.


Is it actually possible to geng a downgrade? Maybe maybe there's something genuinely wrong huh. Maybe.

I was there waiting for my chocolate(there's this obsession these days) wafflecakes when two kids ran by and stopped.

"I want this!" the older one (wearing school uniform and presumably in primary three) shouted.
Then came a girl who said, "No. Why should I give you?"
"Because I want it!"
"Crazy."

And she walked over and looked at me. And so did I at her.

I was still in my wow-what-a-pretty-girl-how-come-I-don't-have-such-a-beautiful-sister state of mind until the older girl whined, "Please mommy!"



Wow.


I'd still hit it.

she will appear
I will return
in three days
on the seventy-seventh night
but I have nothing for her
that night
I gave her my heart
tears were running down my cheeks
put your head on my chest and take a listen
into my throat, down my heart
it's much more quiet than a pacemaker
sobbing sounds
I am trying everything I can to get back onto track
I want to be with you
and live life to the fullest
accompany you
visit the psychologist, take drugs
because I believe
they do not work, do they?
We'll never be apart
I'll still give it a shot
I'll stay by your side at your bed every night
I need help badly
I love you, I want you, must have you, I still love you
I simply can't concentrate
without you
I can't get on with life this way
I'll remain restless

fuck.

There are so many fucking things on my head.

And you know what.





Nothing you see here is real.

Nothing I write here is real.


It shows nothing.



There is nothing.




They are nothing.





They prove nothing.






They amount to nothing.






They've given nothing.






It has nothing.








It leads to nothing.








What the fuck do you want from me?

"What are you doing?" he hollered at me.

I froze, one hand holding on to an end of the cable and the other, my ipod.

"I want to kill her."


The air was cold.
Perhaps I hadn't notice it earlier.



There, bits of ones and zeros were floating around in the sea of irreality inside the ipod. And if you were to look closer at those bits you would notice that they actually took the shapes of hearts and half-hearts (broken hearts; presumably).


"Why?"
"You know what I'm thinking, karebu. We are one."
"No! I love her!"
"I don't."
"Let go of it!"
"I will. But I'm not giving it up to you."


He made a deft attempt at snatching the ipod, sending it spiraling out of my hand. However it met the floor with a sickening crack and laid there, motionless.

"No.."

Something red oozed out from its face.




He screamed. I screamed. We want ice cream.

A Friend's Cancer: Good For Your Health?

It was built as an elitist utopian society and attracted the brightest doctors, engineers, scientists, inventors, and artists with promises that they would be able to practice their work unbound by petty morality. It was to be a place without conventional law or organized religion. The only law was the word of men.

The only religion was wealth and power.

These days breathing takes conscious effort.

I try to breathe in but I swallow saliva instead. Then my mind is in conflict. Am I suppose to regurgitate or am I supposed to exhale? But I've yet to take in a breath. Do I use my nose or mouth? The brain can't decide. Then I forget to breathe. I wonder why are my hemispheres seemingly caving in and I'm seeing popping and fizzling shapes darting around the corners of my eyes.

Perhaps it's temporal magic at work. Time is slowing down for me.



My boobs and tummy don't seem to be going down but my butt is definitely shrinking/expanding at an alarming rate. I wonder why. Some days my pants feel awfully tight and in the same week I work so hard to prevent the same pair from dropping off.



Sometimes I think I should just keep very quiet about everything, stay away from people, wall everything inside because pondering is just a waste of time and nothing seems to help. Because they say we shouldn't find fault with things. See within. Point the finger at yourself. Everyone's perfectly fine. Everything's merely a state of mind. Hence there are no issues. If you are thinking too much there's just something wrong with you because you deviate from the norm. Note that it's a mental, self-induced flaw, and it has nothing to do with your genes or external factors whatsoever. We should all be goal-oriented. Why are you wasting time thinking about anything else?


But humans don't adapt do they? They've always been changing others.


I still do not understand after all these years.




But I do understand that I may perish.






Got up early, found something's missing
my only name.
No one else sees but I got stuck,
and soon forever came.
Stopped pushing on for just a second,
then nothing's changed.
Who am I this time, where's my name
I guess it crept away.

No one's calling for me at the door.
And unpredictable won't bother anymore.
And silently gets harder to ignore.
Look straight ahead, there's nothing left to see.
What's done is done, this life has got it's hold on me.
Just let it go, what now can never be.

I forgot that I might see,
So many beautful things.
I forgot that I might need,
to find out what life could bring.

Take this happy ending away, it's all the same.
God won't waste this simplicity on possibility.
Get me up, wake me up, dreams are filling
this trace of blame.
Frozen still I thought I could stop,
now who's gonna wait.

No one's calling for me at the door.
and unpredictable won't bother anymore.
and silently gets harder to ignore.
look straight ahead, there's nothing left to see.
what's done is done, this life has got it's hold on me.
just let it go, what now can never be.

so many beautiful things...
so many beautiful things...

Now what do I do
can I change my mind
did I think things through

It was once my life
it was my life at one time

There are friends who will remain within our thoughts throughout our lives

There are ties that can't be broken

There are thoughts that cannot die

There are times we will remember

There are nights we won't forget

But there's no reason for your mind to be consumed with senseless doubt

If we value every moment, we will never feel regret






to my horror steroids seem to help only symptomatically. Right now I don't really have strength to clench. Not even bringing together of food tongs. I couldn't. hopefully it's just temporary. it's quite a shocking difference. back then when I was doing judo my grip was pincer-like. and despite my weight I could 'out-hang' most people on the pull-up bar - that I found out on tekong during some exercise.

"Hmm. How old are you? Ah, you are 19."



Probably one of the first and last few times I need parental consent.

But I'm kinda happy. (still young! haha)


[funny isn't it. they trust you with the lives of others (pedestrians/road users) but they don't trust you with your own life.]

ℝ denotes real numbers in the mathematical world.



I know what to do but I don't do what I need to do.

I am soft. Am lazy.

I like the imaginary. I like the unreal. Because they are so perfect and it's hard to prove them otherwise.



But it seems that I should change.


It doesn't matter if you've got the resources, talents and stuff. For all you know someone else with no money, no gift, is living the life you could be living - because he has got the right attitude.

It doesn't matter if people suck, people are dumb, people are mean.

It doesn't matter if life is full of misery, injustice, callousness.

It doesn't matter if there are greater, intangible, things in life that we should seek.


Because.. I don't know why. I just have to learn to love real, tangible things.



I've always relied on intuition and feeling.

I don't quite like this change (but it seems necessary).




And oh.

Is there a word that can replace 'likes to be sad'?

Kindly leave a tag. An anonymous one will do.

A subbed version.
(The guys are funny)

holy shit. zouk(sg) plays this? I'm missing out!
(the crowd doesn't sound too happy though and they've kinda lost momentum/not knowing how to dance)

I get so tired mixing these but I just can't stop!

The music and lyrics are so magical.

"What do you want from me?
You keep coming back and..
You are killing me with all this attention, you know."


"I want someone who will make me laugh at the sillyest thing." She balked, somewhat blushing.


He smiled but said nothing.









He was tall, strong and handsome; a gentleman.


And yet he was bafflingly single.

It seems that steriods really do help. My right wrist hurts alot more than the left initially. In just two days it feels fine. Not so for the left which hadn't got the shot.

Anyway now I realized there's blue black on my left butt. Can't see it but it probably is in the shape of a phone.

Thanks.

Skating.

I was so fucking glad my mp3 player wasn't in my back pocket when I fell just now.


But what I didn't realize was something else was..



Sigh. I can't even see if the phone is on silent or ringing or what.

OH FUCK. NOW THAT I REMEMBER. I'VE GOT ALOT OF FUCKING IMPORTANT MEMO INSIDE. OH MY GOD.







to add: sigh. i dropped my old phone into soapy water some time ago. it can text but it can't call.

Someday I'll be able to do a pirouette. -nods ..

He wasn't too sure where to go. But he knew he had to keep going to get out of this realm of delirium.

As he made his way down paths less trodden, he couldn't help but notice a girl following him, seemingly trying to read his thoughts.


Often they would glance at each other, but never did they make eye contact nor sound.


On the 62nd day he sat down upon the ground and started carving on a boulder.


It read:
What is it that you want?




And he continued walking.

Do you want a way out?

Yes, please.

How about a way in?

I don't mind that.

So long I can go somewhere, anywhere.


"But what exactly are you running away from?" asked the eraser dust on my desk.

"I.."

"Speak!"

On the floor it was swirling and swirling like a mini hurricane. I started tearing with all the dust billowing. I couldn't see. And suddenly something huge hurtle itself at me. It was the eraser, whole again.

"Speak!"

"Ouch! I guess I want to.."

There was a bright flash.


Rolling about inside her giant purple bag. Amongst her wallet. Pencil case. Napkins. Lecture notes. I fumbled around for my phone. -I need the backlight.. light .. light!-


I slid the switch. And all lights went out.


She whispered, "What are you doing? Stop stoning. Study hard. You can do it. Do it for me. Do it for us. Our future."

I remained motionless. "Shhhh. The enemy can hear us. Don't move!"

"CONTACTED! ENEMY TWO O'CLOCK! PRONE!"
prrk. prrrrk. prk. paarack.

I was hit. I looked down at my torso. There was a hole on my left side.

"Hello? Are you real?" I shouted down the hole. "real .. real .. real .. eal .. al. . " It is! I could hear echoes reverberating away. It is real! I'm finally a real boy! Steven Spielberg made me real! Mummy will love me finally!


"Come back," she cooed. "You're not done revising the law of conservation of momentum. There's a test tomorrow." And I proved her wrong. So wrong

-in and out and in and out and in and out. in and out-

"See! I'm definitely acing it!"
She arched her back slightly and purred.


"I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT! PLEASE KILL ME!"

The eraser laughed. "I would prefer to see you writhing in agony. Here. Have the apple of wisdom so that you may live forever in eternal damnation."

"Please. Almighty eraser. Have mercy. Just erase some of my memories. Make me twelve again."

"But for that I would have to take your.."

"You can have my heart." I can't love anyway. Shoot! Where's my heart? In the gaping cavity there was nothing. Oh damm oh damn oh damn. I forgot I lost it long ago.





So I sat there weeping, tormented by memories.




Perhaps I should run a blade across my wrist. Perhaps both. Does it matter to anyone? You don't know me, do you? The thought of it quells my heart, little by a little. I was living in lunacy, slashing my wrists. Horizontally. Downwards. Diagonally! Carving little hearts on my skin. They weren't perfectly shaped. But they were red. Fuck that. Again! So I scraped off the skin layer by layer. And I dug deeper. Finally a clean slate for me to work on. It was bone-white. Perfect.

I realized I forgot what I wanted to chisel onto my bone. Was it her name?




But what was her name?




Each night her ghost would come to my bed.

You love me don't you?
Of course I do!
But what didn't you hold my hand? Why didn't you confess your love?
I.. I didn't dare to. I thought you didn't like me. I was thinking perhaps I could find a right time and ..
Lies lies!
You know I saw you with another guy.
I was trying to spike you. And you said nothing!
What was I to say?
I don't want to listen to your excuses! I want you to comfort me!


I was distraught. I couldn't sleep.


And two years went by. Till that day a Taoist Master saw me. He gave me a red packet. He told me, "Burn the tailsman inside and drink the ashes."


I burned it once I reached home but there were no ashes. Only a wisp of smoke. The smoke slowly but surely, took on a form. It was the face of a damsel.

She said,"
What have been lost are lost. Brood no more.

Go out and live your life to the fullest. Tell the ones you love how much you love them.

Abandon your bad habits. There shall be no more time wasted on the incessant chatter, idle thoughts and so forth.

Here, let me give you a new heart so that you'll be brave in everything you do. You will never be lost with this heart. Listen to your heart and trust yourself."









You try to scream but nothing comes out from your mouth.

I suck at trying to figure out what words people (actually girls only) are mouthing.


The mouth goes, " V P o " and I'll be like, "what what me? Was that english or what?"



Seems like I don't pay any attention to the lips.


Guess I'm not a lip-guy.

"but it's my dream!"


"Well getting laid is my dream but it's not happening."

disgusted by myself once again. skated till there were blisters. and one even tore open.


and fuck. the steriod was given to the wrong site. after skating I think somewhere 2cm lower (on [my] left knee) needs it more.

Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high
There's a land that I heard of
Once in a lullaby

Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true