These days breathing takes conscious effort.

I try to breathe in but I swallow saliva instead. Then my mind is in conflict. Am I suppose to regurgitate or am I supposed to exhale? But I've yet to take in a breath. Do I use my nose or mouth? The brain can't decide. Then I forget to breathe. I wonder why are my hemispheres seemingly caving in and I'm seeing popping and fizzling shapes darting around the corners of my eyes.

Perhaps it's temporal magic at work. Time is slowing down for me.



My boobs and tummy don't seem to be going down but my butt is definitely shrinking/expanding at an alarming rate. I wonder why. Some days my pants feel awfully tight and in the same week I work so hard to prevent the same pair from dropping off.



Sometimes I think I should just keep very quiet about everything, stay away from people, wall everything inside because pondering is just a waste of time and nothing seems to help. Because they say we shouldn't find fault with things. See within. Point the finger at yourself. Everyone's perfectly fine. Everything's merely a state of mind. Hence there are no issues. If you are thinking too much there's just something wrong with you because you deviate from the norm. Note that it's a mental, self-induced flaw, and it has nothing to do with your genes or external factors whatsoever. We should all be goal-oriented. Why are you wasting time thinking about anything else?


But humans don't adapt do they? They've always been changing others.


I still do not understand after all these years.




But I do understand that I may perish.






Got up early, found something's missing
my only name.
No one else sees but I got stuck,
and soon forever came.
Stopped pushing on for just a second,
then nothing's changed.
Who am I this time, where's my name
I guess it crept away.

No one's calling for me at the door.
And unpredictable won't bother anymore.
And silently gets harder to ignore.
Look straight ahead, there's nothing left to see.
What's done is done, this life has got it's hold on me.
Just let it go, what now can never be.

I forgot that I might see,
So many beautful things.
I forgot that I might need,
to find out what life could bring.

Take this happy ending away, it's all the same.
God won't waste this simplicity on possibility.
Get me up, wake me up, dreams are filling
this trace of blame.
Frozen still I thought I could stop,
now who's gonna wait.

No one's calling for me at the door.
and unpredictable won't bother anymore.
and silently gets harder to ignore.
look straight ahead, there's nothing left to see.
what's done is done, this life has got it's hold on me.
just let it go, what now can never be.

so many beautiful things...
so many beautiful things...

Now what do I do
can I change my mind
did I think things through

It was once my life
it was my life at one time