You are so immersed in yourself that you don't know what's going on around you.

rest in peace, mate. never did expect to attend wakes till about 60y.o. sigh.

(10:46 PM) ___: u heard abt ruihong
(10:46 PM) karebu : what about him
(10:46 PM) karebu : i only know he doesnt need to serve ns
(10:47 PM) ___: he just passed away yesterday.
(10:48 PM) karebu : huh..
(10:48 PM) ___: of dvt
(10:48 PM) karebu : i supposed so. but its kinda sudden or was it not
(10:48 PM) ___: it was.
(10:49 PM) karebu : are you going for the wake or something?
(10:50 PM) ___: yes shd tink so
(10:50 PM) ___: jus dunnoe who wants to go along
(10:50 PM) ___: wake starts this evening until cremation on sunday, ___________________ near sembawang
(10:50 PM) karebu : i think i would be going
(10:51 PM) karebu : prob tmr evening
(10:51 PM) karebu : sms or giev me a call

I dread going out these days.

Somehow it feels that my legs will snap suddenly. Besides, I've got alot of my mind.

Haven't been running or skating for about half a month.


My left knee is aching quite badly now. I was sleeping. The body should have been repairing itself. Makes no sense.




But I'm not worried. Cause god loves me like my girlfriend does. They both fuck with me.

It's been quite a while already, going around without visual aids. The funny thing is I honestly don't know who's looking at me, nodding and all.

And so I just smile whenever I think someone's looking in my direction. haha. On the flipside when the day is bad (most days are), I simply listen to my music and everything's a blur literally. I don't see expressions. Not that I don't care but I can't coz simply I can't see.

I really hope I can somehow regain perfect or closer-to-perfect eyesight naturally.


ANd hello kami-san, can I please have a car as soon as possible? Almost every trip to/from camp that I sweat. The train ride is like under ten minutes. and walking takes up fifteen. So can I please have my own car asap?

A page from the national geographic magazine (may07). 'America by Phone'. What caught my eye was that someone's actually usually a camera phone (the one I've been and stil am using) to take shots for the magazine.

It's one of those nights again.

My hand placed across my heart, near the neck. I feel very very vulnerable. My folks used to tell me that I've been screaming in the middle of the night. Eyes wide open. Petrified literally. And hell breaks loose from my mouth.


There's this feeling of disproportional representation of body parts. Distorted sense of space. I felt extremely tiny. Felt like my entire body was contained within a cell in another body. I don't even know the rest of the body. A single thought felt like a giant block of line running in a square on a steamroller. Everything feels squarish. Feels like I'm looking through eyes of tens of thousands of people with a single brain cell. Like having your memory wiped in the midst of a freefall. I was sinking into the back of my head. Sinking into the pillow. Being asleep and wide awake. I feel nauseous when I close my eyes. Things making no sense. It's like having died and not being able to die again.

Losing my consciousness seems like watching a square TV with static lines spiralling down a void. Getting smaller and smaller.


Then there's this sudden urge to laugh hysterically. But the thought of wanting to think that way freaks me out badly. Real badly.


Words can't really describe exactly what I'm feeling and I'm feeling really sick. Really sick. Waiting for dawn to break. I want to rest. A good rest. Like now. If only someone or something can save me.

It's monday morning already. but I can't remember what I did. I don't think I've been sleeping that long.


She called and said, "Come to my house in the evening today. My parents want to meet you." I remember setting an alarm before dozing off. Even woke up every now and then to check if the reminder was actually set. Thought I was dreaming. Hell no. I went through the call logs.


Then there she was on the train with me the other day. Smiling. Toying with my love handles.


Suddenly I couldn't recall her name. I couldn't recall her number. It's tormenting me. It feels like I took over from someone somewhere.


I feel damn sick.

bounded by the same memories
but divided.


one cell away
one accident away
one day away

from death


suicide
it knows no bloodlust.
it knows no passion.

it is the dying of hope



(let's not die today)

On that day in a blue-mooned september, quiet under a young plum tree, I held her there, that silent pale love, in my arms like a graceful dream.

And above us in the summer sky, was a cloud I saw for a long time. On top it was white and tremendous. As I looked up, there was not but one sign.

come away o human child
to the waters and the wild
with a fairy hand in hand
for the world's more full of weeping
than you can understand

I'm in the i-hate-retarded-regulars kind of mood.

I don't blame you if your IQ is in the negative range. I don't blame you if you can't pronounce properly. But hey, I expect your PR skills to be at least of an acceptable level.

Some retard is here for barely 2 weeks and he wants things to be done his way. ONLY his way. Doesn't even bother to listen to opinions of others at all. Fuck. I swear someday. He wouldn't even see the glimmer in the dark. My colleages know what I've done to similar morons (who have been transferred out); just ask.

To think he's in his mid/late thirties already. And his rank is so damn low for a regular his age. Mind you, he's far from wearing an epaulette. Moron.


I'm a nice guy. You be cheebye to me, I'll be cheebye to you. I can afford to kamikaze. You can't. This is not my rice bowl. It's not about vegence. It's about teaching you what's respect. And when you step into the wrong playground, rank is useless. What's that piece of cloth and some lame chevrons? Haha.



You motivate me.

There I was, sitting in front of the other desk, wondering why am I so disorientated.

I blank out the moment my computer is off. What am I to do now? Why am I unable to sit still, read a book or do something useful? I'm not a computer addict. I can survive without computer. I don't think about my computer when I'm out with friends. Or at my workplace with my fellow slaves. And I don't play games. There are only 3 things I do online. Chat. Forum. Find quirky news.

So I figured. And as I much as I hate to admit this - I must be terribly afraid of being lonely.

So what exactly is being lonely? Sometimes you are all alone and you love every single bit of it. And yet you can be there on the sofa with your girlfriend in your arms and you still feel that things aren't right. Yes, of course you love her, but you still don't feel complete.

I confess that I deliberately run away from relationships. I need to overcome the assumption that it is less painful to run away than to face possible rejectons. Running away from life. Regrets. I think it's too late for it now.

I'm not saying we should try to find a quick fix though. Like I've said to quite a few friends, those in clubs aren't the kind of guys/girls you would bring home to your mothers. Good things come to those that are patient. Nothing happens to those who do nothing though.

Since I'm travelling light now (alone), I think I should try to make the best out of it. Do things you can never do when you are bagged down. Just imagine.

I hope that by holding out just that bit longer, there will be a miracle.



Now I have to put things into action.

darth vader versus police

In short, an experiment in japan to see how many geeks out of a hundred will save a damsel in distress. watch out for no.85. some nerd in a cosplay skirt! haha!

I forgot why I got home really late.

fucking tired. mentally drained. these few days i would fall asleep way before 10pm, waking up only the next morning.


now i really dread being at the bottom of this food chain.

it's scary when monsters confess that their fellow beasts cannot do their work well, hence they have to rely on us slaves. but the funny thing is we are doing nothing productive at all. nothing challenging. just very troublesome and redundant.

doing work that monsters can't be bothered to do themselves. simple things like making a phone call. they would even ring you up and ask you to call on their behalf despite your cubicle being just 3 metres away. emails making zero sense. "Pls give the person to attention to check number. Tks." asking you to do totally nonsensical things that would definitely seem retarded to anyone with IQ >10. giving the prep-talk hoping that slaves would be motivated to help-out much more willingly when monsters themselves can't give a fuck about their own feeding bowl.

the grass looks much greener over the other side. having to sweat and chiong everyday. working out. keeping fit. or at least doing rounds and making arrests outside (in my context).




really have the feeling i won't be able to turn the table around even in the future outside of this dreadful place. on the bright side i'm thankful for being given a preview of a typical workplace in the outside world.


i'm sure i'm going to hate myself in the future if i remain like this. in need of some serious help.

extreme photoshopping.



click on it to see the vid.

Sympathize
No more lies
Live to learn
One single time
Each moment (moment)

Play the rich
Spread, don't preach
Innocence and
Love will heal
Each moment (each moment)

Sweetness all around us
Just taste it all
Your wishes all the way to heaven
Bless us all
The kind will only bring us joy
Love will save the day
We will never fall again
Compassion is the way

Chorus:
Let me show you my world
Open your heart to my soul
My love is complete
Complete at your feet
As much as you need

Breathing in
Breathing out
Action gives reaction
Cause each moment (moment)

Trust in life
Trust in now
Letting go is everything
Each moment (each moment)

Do you feel for me, what I feel for you?
Now you're turnin' on this electricity
Runnin' through my veins, pulse begins to rest
Come on satisfy my curiousity

Keep imagining, what it would be like
Got the power to make this reality
You're so close to me, almost taste your lips
Flyin' high can't you feel this intensity?

Only one way to go
When you're on the outside lookin' in
Tell me what I need to know
Don't recognise my own reflection
When I'm in this state of mind
State of mind..
State of mind..

ohh.. ooh..

I'm, close to the edge
I wanna fall, all the way down
I'm, close to the edge
I wanna fall, all the way down

I'm, close to the edge
Open my eyes, walk straight ahead
I wanna fall, all the way down
I'm gonna run, when I hit the ground

You're takin' me, close to the edge
Open my eyes, walk straight ahead
I wanna fall, all the way down
I'm gonna run, when I hit the ground..

I'm, close to the edge
I wanna fall, all the way down
I'm, close to the edge
I wanna fall, all the way down

Are you readin' me, like I'm reading you?
Are we transmitting on other frequency?
Hear it loud and clear, message understood
Chain reaction 'cause we got a chemistry

Now I'm standing here, with my world below
Body shakin', is this how it's meant to be?
But I'm not afraid, 'cause I'm not alone
Hear you breathin', I feel you inside of me

Only one way to go
When you're on the outside lookin' in
Tell me what I need to know
Don't recognise my own reflection
When I'm in this state of mind
State of mind..
State of mind..

I'm, close to the edge
I wanna fall, all the way down
I'm, close to the edge
I wanna fall, all the way down

I'm, close to the edge
Open my eyes, walk straight ahead
I wanna fall, all the way down
I'm gonna run, when I hit the ground

You're takin' me, close to the edge
Open my eyes, walk straight ahead
I wanna fall, all the way down
I'm gonna run, when I hit the ground..

Just got home.

I never felt this blissful before. Being so calm despite being bombarded with questions/reprimandings. Not even a tinge of anger inside. Nor fear.




Quite abit of work to do tomorrow; getting the mri, nmi, memos from my docs. And after seeing my friend collect his pink IC today, I decided to go for only a temp downgrade. Honestly I would hate to see my clearance slip print 'Vocation: Clerk' on it. (I think being a jin cha is kinda rare.) What a fucking waste of chionging sua and stuff. So I might downgrade after my ORD. Maybe only.

Hey. You are finally here.
To grow up, you need to experience pain.
To become yourself, you must be able to go further and further away.
I want to give this to you.

But I just want to see you.
But I just want to be with you.

It's alright, I'm sure you can see me again.


That day. It felt like an eternity.



So I've set a goal. I will become colder, harder and stronger. I will grow up alone.





My time is slipping away. Since then, I can't say that I've never hesitated.

So similiar. But I think they are completely different.




ne, watashi wa kokoniiruyo.

It's quite hilarous. There's this person who lives in my block and smokes in uniform.

For the past two mornings, he has been walking to the mrt station and he will always turn his head back, looking around suspiciously. And I'll be walking right behind and trying not to die laughing inside. I'm tempted to walk up to him, flash my card and yell, "I give you 5 seconds. You better snuff out that fucking cigarette or you are coming with me."

Hellooo. We never book-in or out in uniform.. . . Looks like he hasn't been caught by one yet. Yet.




It's really sad when regulars that are higher in rank are not understanding. Like having your card damaged and being unable to churn out reports. They threaten you with punishments despite knowing the situation. Deep down you really do want to laugh out loud. Coz you know how much they depend on a lowly man to do trivial things. In fact, they are helpless when we don't do their work. Yes, their work.

It's sad when I know I'm not in camp, I know I can't do anything, when I know things are inevitable and I realize I'm actually thinking about it outside of camp.

It's not my rice-bowl anyway. Not like I would die doing extra duties anyway. Not like I'm in need of promotion.


so.

It's weird.

Just as I doze off and transit to zeezee land I hear very very loud buzzing sounds. Like that of the MRI. Weird noises.

Been bugging me for the past two nights.


No wonder I haven't been feeling right about my head. Must be the leftover electromagnetic flux frolicking in my head.


Coz it's pointing north.

I took the train to ttsh yesterday.

Was glad the train came in 2 minutes and was practically vacant. So empty that there were no more than 2 persons on a row of seats at any one time.

There was this all-rounded girl/lady(I didn't look at the face) who boarded, and started walking in my direction (from about 2 cabin doors away). I paid no attention and continued reading my stuff until she sat beside me. Right beside, not even leaving a gap. Geez.

Had the impulse to jump right out of the seat and switch to another row but decided not to. (Honestly I think it would be rude and, well, people do have feelings.) I edged my ass out and alighted the next stop and boarded the next train (which had no seats).



Freaky.