Note the date and time of this post. This is to faciliate future updating and quick references. Pardon the typos, if any, and probably.
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Many young people, once the most serious critics of the status quo, currently manifest attitudes of apathy and hopelessness. Most members of society remain prisoners of their own internal programming while continually reinforcing the socialization processes that damaged them.
One major problem insufficiently stressed by social critics involves certain core assumptions about human beings that are inherently false and that negatively impact relationships. These presumptions are implicitly believed, to varying degrees, by most people, and more or less "common knowledge". (self-fulfilling prophecies) When people act on these believes, they shy away from seeking alternative solutions, arm themselves, and assume an aggressively defensive posture. The paranoia and counterparanoia eventually set off the violence.
Human beings are basically inadequate or deficient in and of themselves. Most people grow up feeling that something is inherently missing in them. They imagine that to be a whole person, they need to find someone to fill the space or void. As individuals operating on their own, they feel flawed in some basic sense and believe that one must find one's "soulmate," that is, some special person out in the world that will make them complete. This belief is reinforced in popular culture and in contemporary music and literature. This presumption increases men and women's desperation to find partners, leads to premature choices, and later leads couples to elevate and rectify the relationship out of proportion. Subsequently, too much is expected from couple relationships and marriage as people attempt to satisfy all their needs in one relationship. This expectation causes a good deal of human misery.
A person must subordinate him/herself to the preservation of the couple, family, or society's norms or else he or she is abnormal. If a person fails to fit into these systems, for example, does not live up to society's expectations to get conventionally married and have children, he or she is considered odd, immature, or psychologically disturbed. Within this framework, all deviations from conventional modes of living are suspect. Conformity and adjustment to society are considered moral and healthy; nonconformity to societal expectations is perceived as abnormal and a threat to society.
The nature of love is generally considered to be constant and invariant. For many individuals, the "happily ever after" characterization of love engenders promise that things will always be the same, if not better. Love, like any other natural feeling, arises spontaneously, is inconsistent, and can be affected by a wide range of external conditions and internal states. Even in a good relationship, there are always emotional highs and lows in the ebb and flow of loving feelings.
Furthermore, when love is conceptualized as an unchanging process, feelings of love and hate toward the same person appear to be irreconcilable. Because conflicting attitudes coexist in all relationships, it is advantageous to recognize mixed feelings without becoming alarmed. Because ambivalence is often perceived as illogical, people strive for a singular view at the expense of reality. In the process of banishing negative feelings from consciousness, men and women frequently act out hostility indirectly in a destructive manner. Recognition of these feelings enables one to avoid projecting them on to the other and serves to better regulate aggressive responses.
People who have difficulty accepting ambivalent feelings in their realm of experience tend to categorize self and others as begin either all good or all bad. They think in black and white terms, ignoring the reality that human beings have two sides and possess both positive and negative characteristics.
"I love you" - words that hold out the promise that loneliness will be stilled, that life will at last be complete. Once, not so long ago, we heard those words and thought about forever. Once, they signaled the end of the search, meant that we would marry and live happily ever after. Now, we're not so sure.
Moreover, traits experienced as appealing at the beginning of a relationship can later become undesirable. A man originally attracted to a woman's naivete, childlike dependence, and distractibility may find these same qualities to be a detriment in his marriage when his wife fails to manage her share of their affairs. Or a woman who finds her lover's assertiveness and outspoken opinions charming may subsequently come to resent his domineering nature and insistence on always being right.
another of the wondrous and terrible facets of love is that loving increases the capacity of the lover to love, making the loved one all the more dear and irreplaceable. And that makes the inevitable loss of the partner all the greater. . So one is well advised: Loving is not for the weak.
In human evolutionary history, both men and women have pursued short- and long-term mating strategies necessary for solving problems of adaptation. Men and women's preferences for desirable qualities in a potential mate evolved from those strategies that best solved problems related to each sex's reproductive constraints, strategies that basically favor gene survival.
For example, in trying to identify which women were fertile, primitive man had to rely on cues indicating youth and physical health: "full lips, clear skin, smooth skin, clear eyes, lustrous hair, symmetry, good muscle tine, and absence of lesions. . sprightly, youthful gait, and high activity level". Today, men still prefer as long-term mates "women who are young and physically attractive as indicators of reproductive value . . "
and who are sexually loyal and likely to be faithful as indicators of paternity certainty".
Another premise consistent with evolutionary logic states that "women in long-term mating contexts, more than men, will desire cues to a potential mate's ability to acquire resources, including ambition, good earning capacity, professional degrees, and wealth. This prediction has been confirmed extensively across cultures".
Basing mate selection on the instinctual response to certain traits rather than considering other equally desirable qualities is not necessarily adaptive in today's world. for example, many men still place too much importance on physical attractiveness in a potential mate, while ignoring women with other traits that might be more predictive of martial satisfaction. Many women still put too much stake in a man's wealth, career success, and social status, while sometimes overlooking prospective partners who exhibit warmth, tenderness, and an interest in children. (Is this self denial or fact, so as to allow oneself to accept "inferior" spouses?)
Interaction in a relationship characterized by a fantasy bond
Angry reactions to feedback. Closed to new experiencesDeception and duplicityOverstepping boundaries. Other seen only in relation to self.Lack of affection. Inadequate or impersonal, routine sexuality./li>
Misunderstanding - distortion of the otherManipulations of dominance and submissionInteractions in an ideal relationship
Nondefensiveness and opennessHonesty and integrityRespect for the other's boundaries, priorities, and goals, separate from selfPhysically affection and personal sexualityUnderstanding - lack of distortion of the otherNoncontrolling, nonmanipulative, and nonthreateningBecause it is extremely damaging to fracture another person's sense of reality, the personal qualities of honesty and integrity are vital to the well-being of both partners as well as to the health of their relationship.
When people are dishonest and lack integrity, adult modes of communication break down. Behaviors characterized as phony, deceptive, roleplaying, or coercive generally end in unhappiness. Lies and deception shatter the reality of others, eroding their belief in the veracity of their perceptions and subjective experience. Mixed messages create an atmosphere of confusion and alienation within the couple.
Most parents visualize the kind of person they want their chidl to become, the positive traits that they would admire in him or her as an adult, and the values they wish to instill in their offspring. Sensitive parents, instead of forming rigid expectations based on an attempt to mold the child in their own image, would try to guide their children in a way that facilitates the gradual unfolding of their natural qualities and personal style of being in the world. The primary purpose of discipline is to help the child develop into a decent, liekable adult, capable of living within a specific cultural millieu without conforming or mindlessly submitting to the socialization process of the culture.
Ideal family characteristics:
Bring out the full potential of each of the individual members.
Members acknowledged, heard, felt and experience by each other in such a way as to give them a sense of their own unique identity. An awareness and acknowledgement of each individual's nature is primary and is more important than recognition for his or her performance.
Lack of role-playing, surplus power, and manipulation. Respect for real authority, not rule by power. Each individual appreciated for his or her individual contributions of ideas, knowledge in specialized areas, or acts of kindness and generosity. Strong belief in each member pursuing his or her wants and priorites and achieving personal goals. Honest selfishness would be preferred over dishonest selflessness. In giving themselves value and importance, family mebers would naturally demonstrate respect and consideration for others and their goals.
Unusual advantages, a rich, warm and fulfilling lifestyle, financial security, compannionship, the acknowledgement of individual accomplishments, recognition of each member's sexual identity, encourage of independence, support for each person developing his or her uniqure abilities, talents, and careers, and opportunity for free and open communications; in summary, all of the desirable qualities of the "good life."
The ultimate goal of therapy is to persuade the patient to challenge his or her inner world of fantasy and risk seeking satisfaction through goal-directed behavior.
Inwardness representes a retreat into oneself based on early attempts to avoid frustrations and emotional pain. What once functioned as a survival mechanism remains in the personality as a dysfunctional, addictive habit pattern. This is to be distinguished from self-reflecgtion, introspection, time spent alone for reading, thinking or creative work, contemplation of nature, meditation, and other spirtual pursuits.
When in this state of mind, one's gaze is focused inward, on oneself, rather than outward toward others. personal interactions are filtered through this distorted lens of self-absorption, given a negative connotation by the voice, and responded to inappropriately, thereby causing friction and conflict in one's relationships. The more inward the individual, the less capable that person is of relating to another person in an intimate relationship.
Inward:
Maintaining distance; seeking time alone; cynical view of others
Seeking gratification in fantasy; self-denial; self-destructiveness
Hypercritical attitudes towards self; passivity and victimized stance
Limited emotional transactions; refractory to giving and receiving love; holding back of positive responses and desirable characterics
Using substansces and routinized habits as painkillers
Cutting off or withdrawal of affect; impersonal relating
Masturbatory or addictive sexuality; "mechanial' sexual relating
Merged identity and fusion.
Many people cling to negative attitudes toward themselves, hold on to the provisional identity, that is, the way they were seen in their families, and find it difficult to adaapt to a more positive or realistic view. In a close relationship, they are tempted to venture out and for a time accept a different, more positive view of themselves from their partner, but soon retreat inward to their habitual way of looking at and treating themselves. They begin to distort their partner and respond to them with negative or fearful expectations.
Withholding refers to distancing oneself by progressively holding back or inhibiting traits that are desired or prized by the other. In personal relationships, the withholding person tends to resist involvement in emotional transactions and refuses to accept love from, or offer love and affection to, his or her partner or children.
Lie face up on a mat, breathe deeply, allow sounds to escape as you exhale. Say or blurt out any thoughts taht came to mind while using this breathing technique.
