Yup, here I am, thinking. I'm not really thinking though. Sigh. I was reading peng ming's blog, and, I think I share some of his sentiments. I've lost track of time, the sun goes up and down up and down like nobody's business. That happens so often in the holidays especially.
It's 31st of December, 2004. I'm so cold. Simply waiting for death to come; and that's the reason why I don't really keep track of time. I must change that. What have I done this year? What have I.... Academically.. Wait, what's with achievements? I hate this topic, probably because I've failed miserably. Come think of it, I've failed spiritually. I recall the very last day of school, whereby Brother Paul told us to reflect, explore the spiritual dimension and stuff. I've failed in almost everything. An epitome of failure I am.
Could next year be better? I don't know. No one knows. I can die any moment(Yeah, my friends know I'm a pessimist who keeps saying, "It's good knowing you and stuff like that."). Seriously, we can die any moment. We need not come down with a terminal disease before we learn to love our friends and family. There is this Japanese saying - [Keep death always in mind, day and night, from the time one first picks up his chopsticks in celebrating his morning meal on New Year's Day to the evening of the last day of the year. When one constantly keeps death in mind, both loyalty and filial piety are realized, myriad evils and disasters are avoided, one is without illness and mishap, and lives out a long life. In addition, even his character is improved. Such are the many benefits of this act.] It's true.
Speaking bout family; sad. I know mine's a small family, but still there's communication breakdown. I can't really get in touch with my dad. It's hard to talk about anything that's really deep down inside. Yes, we do talk; but nothing of that sort - It's usually that of 'Have you eaten', 'Where are you going' types of question. You get me. When I was very young, my dad always come home very late. I don't really talk to him. I'm ok with my mum, and quite open with her I guess. Geez. I can't recall the last time my family had a meal together. Or for that matter, anyone of us _not_ eating alone. Forget it.
The next thing I'm thinking of is that of studies. Pathetic. I wished *that* never happened 3 years ago. Brought about a total change in me. In primary school, I was momma's boy. I listened to every single word of my mum. Yeah. Got into Ri. Then something very bad happened in secondary 2. Forced me to become mature overnight. I changed. Everything changed. I became pessimistic. I no longer look forward to anything. My life changed. My outlook changed. Life, suddenly, became meaningless. My grades plummeted. Sigh. Still can't really get over it. Or rather, I've been set off in the wrong direction. It's a downright shame. To go to CJC. I ought to be ashamed of it. But I don't quite feel ashamed. Something snapped inside. And I'm barely scraping through exams once more. Just like that in Ri. Pathetic. No matter how hard I tried I can't get started on studying. Wait. Tried? No, I didn't try. I want to. But I'm not doing anything. I run away from reality. Or maybe I'm just lazy. Plain lazy. Just giving myself reasons not to study. I always choose the easier way out. In fact, I'm thinking of going poly; which is dumb. Got a feeling I won't get to university. And even a failure won't wake me up. I'm losing hope. No hope left to lose. Huh? Yeah, that's my current state of mind; put across in a rather Singlish way.
Love. Not successful at all in this aspect. There must be something seriously wrong with me. Let's just skip this.
Spirituality. Okay, been okay with this aspect. Done tons of researching and stuff. Met different people; in real life, via the net and stuff. Should I be pleased? No, there's so much more to spirituality. It's amazing how much stuff there are. Things to explore, things.. It's very interesting, but it's just sad that in this kind of society, there is no room for exploration of these things. I can't concentrate on this area. I've got to do other stuff..
Paranormal. These aren't paranormal to me, but to most people, yes they are. As a kid, I've always been amused by psychic stuff; that of people being able to cast magic, move things around with a thought. It's possible. I've not done it, but I firmly believe they are all possible. Done a great deal of research last year I think. Yup. Personally, I've been trying to astral project and brush up on clairempathy skills. I've failed the former horribly, and the latter, with much delight, is improving. Yes, I am an empath. I think everyone is, to some extent or another. What is an empath? Basically, an empath is one who is able to read and understand people and be in-tune with or resonate with others, voluntarily or involuntarily of his/her capacity. Through trials and errors, I discover more about myself.
Friends. Yup, I've found out more about a handful of friends this year. Their personality and all. I.. dare not list down names; partially because being a blog hunter, I know that it's very easy to hunt blogs down when you have specific keywords. I would say it's a good experience, being put through trials and in short, it's rather interesting.
Handwriting. Haha. Yup. Before every holiday, I'll always attempt to work on this. But I always end up not doing anything. Same for my holiday homework. Rather turned off by my handwriting, and perhaps that's the reason why I prefer the computer to paper. Have to do something.
Goals. Argh. I've once told myself/told someone. I have no goals, no wishes, no hopes; nothing. I have nothing. A psychologist once told me, "You know, most successful people are optimists." Maybe. But, can I give it a shot? A brand new me overnight? Is that possible? Happier me? No, a happy me. Heh. I was never happy before. So its a sad -> happy thing. So what do I want to be? I want to be a typical teenager. A materialistic one. A blind one. An idiotic one. I want money. I want good grades. I want. I want. I want. Wait. Is it a problem of me trying to be special or what? I find it so hard to be practical. Things.. sigh.
I can't finish blogging this. Too sad to. I'm trying to bring myself back. To make a list, of goals, of resolutions. I can't. I'm losing my cool. I'm screaming inside already. I can't.
