PCL is posterior cruciate ligament, aka, the ligament on the back. (the knee has four on each side; imagine a diamond)

All the while I tried pushing my knee in to see if it moves.

It doesn't. And I found out that it's because it sinks in at rest. So I should have tried pushing it from behind instead.

Bingo.



And no, I'm not going to test if it goes sideways coz I don't want to aggravate the partial tear for my 'side' ligament. I'm not going to test my other knee either.

I don't like to know things.

It was cold.

The boatman had been waiting at the old pier. He raised his lantern to my face and stuck his (almost skeletal) hand out. I squinted, gave him an old coin and took one long drag before flicking the butt into the dark waters.

"Take me to the other side," I whispered, barely audible.

He nodded, still examining the coin, like it was a rare gem. I could almost hear his neck creak.



"We will reach there when you are 20 years and ⅔ months old," said a hoarse and ghastly voice. "Now, rest."






And it all faded away

He was rowing through the fog with wooden oars. And his boat started sinking.

He started throwing out ego, pride, his mind and dumped his girlfriend overboard.



But the boat was still sinking.



"Help. I am overloaded. Please help me. Please help me to help myself. Please help me to help myself so that I may help you someday.

I'm running out of time. I do not have much time. I may not even have another day. Put me through to the operator please."

All operators are currently busy at the moment. Your call is very important to us. Please hold and we'll get back to you as soon as possible.

He waited. And he waited and waited.

"I'll pay you 100k?
I'll double that.
Triple that.
Quadruple that.
In cheque.
By mail order.
In cash.
I'll even throw in my ride.
Now.
Hurry please.
Help me.
Please.
助けて！おねがいします！"


The phone went dead.

He gouged his heart out, went limp and flopped over, lifeless.



and the boat was buoyant once more.

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.


Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, 1952

Edit: It seems that for my left knee it's the posterior cruciate ligament + lateral collateral ligament and not anterior cruciate ligament..

Oh well I guess it's a similar procedure, still, just that I get drilled through in the sides/back instead of front.

-------------------------------------------------
I think some of my friends may remember me dislocating and pushing my wrist back spontaneously (and proudly) in class.

And me complaining 'wait wait. slower. I think my knee came out.' when walking around in town.


There are a few more other areas but there's at least one 'must-have'(and so they claim) surgery. My guess is that they'd probably require follow-ups.


My wrist. I lack one degree of freedom. On good days it has close to full mobility. I think I can live with that.. .. .


Now moving on and down.
Looking at this and this, the procedure doesn't seem very promising.
Some unpleasant photos.
pic 1 pic 2


Said that my ligament seems to be at its end (nice way of putting it). And if it worsens (hopefully it takes quite abit of effort here) then I may have to replace the knee.



But I have much reservations. Especially the knees. The left one is worse so it's slightly more pressing.

Looking at the judo senseis, especially those who have gone for similar surgeries, the quality of their lives doesn't even seem to come close to half of what it was. One leg's so much smaller, the product of having been cut open and losing some mass very very literally. And there's this limp, so slight yet noticeable. And they cannot (afford to) be thrown. Just coaching verbally.

To think that back then judo seniors said popping of knee was normal. I had mine popped when I was a yellow belt? And dislocated a knee cap (forgot which). It's common (getting limbs entangled and falling) but it's not good (the weight of you and your opponent coming down fast at your poor insert body part here)!

haha.



And also the usual risks of general anesthesia. Risks of dying.

I love my friends, you know.


And I want to race. I need to operate clutch and gear lever.



Oh. Please don't tell my parents. Thanks!

The odds are that he died an hour or so ago though the police have yet to id the bodies.

The rally world misses you. RIP Colin McRae.




Right 5 over crest 6 long into heaven..








http://news.sky.com/skynews/article/0,,30100-1284286,00.html
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/more_sport/article2461339.ece
http://afp.google.com/article/ALeqM5gFFb9bS2gYFSrd_c6S4rRTNuCqEw
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2007/09/15/ncopter215.xml

解かってるよ！




バカ。

校が来るといいんだが。でも、私など、そなむずかしい試験におはとても合格できません。　＝/

彼女：”勉強おしなさいと言ったのに。そんあことおしたら、だめだってば。”
私の方が悪かったわ。ごめんなさいね。


彼女が独身だといいんだが。。
いい、本当にじゃない！


来年はどんあ年になるやら。。


頑張ってよ！来年では遅すぎるってば！今度そんあことをしたら、絶対にゆるさないぞ。

あれ欲しいですもの。ね、その仕事、君に頼んだぞ。

（あんな所、もう行くもんか。）

sigh.

私が高校お卒業してから２年になります。

でも、あなたはぼくの夢の中に何度も出てきました。

大丈夫ですか？わからないよ。



空を飛べるものなら飛んでみたい。

はい！　＝）

My favourite song! Love it to bits.
Note that lyrics in brackets are track-reversed.

Underground or aeroplane
Doesn't matter in the end
I know it has to be this way
You're leaving me again

So I write my little love song
And I sing it to the wind
(..leaving me..)
'Cause you're out there on the road tonight
London, New York, Amsterdam

(..leaving me..)
I'm lonely here without you
Miss your breath against my skin
(..leaving me..)
You love me then you leave me
Still I lie here pressing fingers
Where your kisses have been
(..leaving me..)
And I miss you
And I miss you
And I miss you

And I miss you
And I miss you
And I miss you

I know that I should be in bed
It's almost 3 a.m.
But when I close my eyes I can only see miles of headlights
Flashing out the distance

(..you're out there on the road tonight, London..)
Yes I know that it's been calling to you
London, New York, Amsterdam
(..out there on the road tonight, London..)

(..you're out there on the road tonight, London..)
So I sing my little lonely song
(..Amsterdam..)
(..out there on the road tonight, London..)

(..you're out there on the road tonight, London..)
So I write my little love song
And I sing it to the wind
(..you're out there on the road tonight, London..)
'Cause you're out there on the road tonight
London, New York, Amsterdam
(..you're out there on the road tonight, London..)
And I miss you
And I miss you
And I miss you
(..you're out there on the road tonight, London..)
And I miss you
And I miss you
And I miss you

And I miss you
And I miss you
And I miss you

(..you're out there on the road tonight, London..)

abit motivated.
abit disciplined.
abit fat.
abit of guts.
jokes abit.
skates abit.
swims abit.
socializes abit.
races a little.
jogs a little.
ponders abit.
a little patient.
a little well-liked.
a little helpful.
a bit of love to spare.




I have a bit of everything. But sadly, they amount to nothing.

They show nothing.
There is nothing.
They are nothing.
They prove nothing.
They have nothing.
They lead to nothing.


Perhaps its all for naught.

There's so much kindness, so much so that I can't take it anymore.

the timely rain saving my dear algae. =D
the csm allowing me to not do COS duty today and informing me that dsk will be planning duty in nov and dec, even offering me a chance to plan duty instead.
hxx's dad giving a lift to mrt, right to the hdb blocks instead of just across the road.
a stallowner at the pasar malam making a makeshift sheltered extension.
having a one week break from camp.