=))))))


I've changed!

Week 6:

Wed 2250: Waking at 3 tmr. Should be back by sat hopefully.
Tue 2145: Tonights the last night we can sleep. Wont be sleeping proper till sat! Heading for our homeland-tekong.
Mon 2120: And oh. They are making us sleep earlier and earlier. Like 9.30 today. But insomnia is killing me, i simply cant sleep till its close to mn. My mind wanders quite abit that i have to admit though.
Mon 2110: Back to the so near yet so far stage! 24 days to end of course, 19 days effectively. Cant wait for 8to5!

In my hands
A legacy of memories
I can hear you say my name
I can almost see your smile
Feel the warmth of your embrace
But there is nothing but silence now
Around the one I loved
Is this our farewell?

Sweet darling you worry too much, my child
See the sadness in your eyes
You are not alone in life
Although you might think that you are

Never thought
This day would come so soon
We had no time to say goodbye
How can the world just carry on?
I feel so lost when you are not by my side
But there's nothing but silence now
Around the one I loved
Is this our farewell?

So sorry your world is tumbling down
I will watch you through these nights
Rest your head and go to sleep
Because my child, this not our farewell.
This is not our farewell.

---------------------------------------------

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating life
Now I'm bound by the life you've left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

Been out whole day.

Woah. I suck at recognizing people. Haha.



The third time I'm being asked by those insurance people, I'm gonna say I'm an officer alright. :D



Oh yeh. I have to cut my hair. Damn.

I realized I've been getting away with lots of things. In fact, 99.5% of the things I land myself in. And hence I get lazier and more lazy. Always trying to get away with things.



I wanna surrender. Turn myself in.

I find myself not so enthu about recalling what happened yesterday and the day before. Hence they shall be brief.

Please note that I'm breaking up key words to avoid being picked up by search engines.

Thurs was [co he si on] day. We had buffet, was allowed to use the computer room, and on top of that, install games. I was playing counter-strike with a few people, most were playing dota. Did alot of stupid things and were cam-whoring with my mates. This ended up quite bad when 90% of the people got [dia rr h o ea] the following day. Every minute you'll get someone running to the toilet and someone walking back from it.

Friday was fucked up. Were made to get everything out of the bag and in again for several times. That really made me flare up. Doesn't make sense at all. What's worse was a sgt saying that we have to [stand ardi ze] every single fucking thing in the cabinet. That means not using one of the bigger partitions but putting just a [sha ver], a [bru sh] and [to oth pas te] only. I just don't understand why some sgts must be so fucked up. They think this will instill [dis cip line]. I think otherwise. The same sgt who made the [stand ard izatio n] of the three things was saying on day one that we are all [N S Fs] and we all want to get through with this. Look at what he's doing now.



sigh.

Week 5:

Fri 1110: Knn. Mass food poisoning. More than 3/4 diarrhoea. Myself included.
Fri 0421: Been a lousy night. Ive been waking up twice hourly since midnight. But hopefully today will not be a lousy one. Booking out i hope.
Thur 1659: Resting now. Was playing counterstrike with my mates! Haha! I was being annoying by running around with tactical shield. More fun later!
Wed 2046: Not cut out to crap away from home. I hate toilet paper. Always get ass abrasion. Haha. Super unhealthy food. Dinner western. Breakfast oily chicken pie.
Tue 2157: Tired.. Cant wait to break out of this cycle.. Im kinda amazed by what ive put up-7 days fieldcamp, being away from home for so long.. Yeh.
Tue 1230: Here, unhealthy food again. Lunch was laksa, the oil about a centimetre thick. Impossible to lose weight when you get food like this daily.
Sun 2152: I love my buddies! Haha! We are all full of rubbish, laughing away whenever we are together.

I'm home. How am I to describe what happened yesterday and today. Probably later. Going out before the stores close.



Today was like wtf. Went home hurriedly, and one of those people from some random insurance company loitering around MRT stations stopped me.

"You are a NSF right?"
K:"Yea."
"Are you an officer? From commandos?"
"So do you wear gas masks and all those equipments?"

K:"No.. ?"

Yeah. In camp now.

3PM.

Half day today, but we have to stay in.

So people are playing counterstrike and some other LAN games here. Basketball?

And so I'm in the mess using the net, MSN, surfing.

There's gonna be some buffet/bbq later.


Looking forward to tomorrow. Going home.



It feels good to know we are going home on a friday.

I'm feeling so tired. Tired of myself. Tired of. Alot of things.


Each time I post on the blog I feel like a whiny bitch. Hovering around the same topics every single time. Since ages ago. I don't seem to have moved. Just aged. I'm still typing away, sitting around like I used to, like say, six years ago? It never fails to make me wonder if I should delete all my posts and slap myself silly.


I feel like shutting down the blog. Staying away from msn. Switching off the phone. Cut off from everyone, anyone. I've tried that. Doesn't feel good. Man doesn't seem to be able to live well alone. No man's an island yet society is fatal. I'm attempting to escape from reality. Attempting to be a hermit. But I've got to admit I need at least abit of attention somewhere.


Uncertainties. The smell of it makes me fidget, quite abit. What's there to worry about in the first place? Maybe there aren't any problems in the first place. Maybe they are all conjurations of the mind. Yea. So I'm fighting an imaginary entity. Fighting myself. And I don't seem to be able to break off. Strange? How am I to help myself when I don't know what's the problem or when there's no problem in the first place?


Bothered by alot of things. Worries. Things that may be totally beyond my control.


Getting mind-fucked by stray thoughts. Idling and my mind wanders off. Mobius strip. No end to it.



Don't mind the incoherence. I'm not sure what I'm blabbering about either.


help?

I'm not sure which one to choose after the end of my trainee period.

If I were to join the coy doing raiding/arresting, I would be able to pick up taekwondo. Rather, it would be compulsory. That comes with warrant card and handcuffs and arms. And I'll be able to use force on people legally. Haha. The only problem I'm facing is my ligament. I believe I am able to take down people still, but I'm not sure if they would buy my story. I'm even barred from doing drills.

And the other one would be K-9(canine) unit. Interesting but could get boring. One and a half year to go after my trainee period eh. Shouting commands and gesturing 'stop!', 'stay!', 'down.', 'up!', "STOP! WHO GOES THERE? STOP OR I'LL RELEASE MY DOG!" etc. Might be boring.



All the chapters, sections and stuff aren't going into my head. zz.

"You have been informed that you may be prosecuted for an offence. Do you wish to say anything in answer to the allegation that you have committed the offence? If there is any fact on which you intend to rely in your defense, you are advised to mention it now. If you hold it back till you go to court, your evidence may be less likely to be believed and this may have a bad effect on your case in general. If you wish to mention any fact now, and you would like it written down, this will be done."




Lots of memory work to be done this weekend.


Damn. My weight is fluctuating. And I think my face is getting round.. damn damn damn.

I've already taken minimal portions, no syrup drinks and my weight is creeping.. up. gulp. A friend of mine who takes normal servings gained 5kg. gosh. Food here is good, as in, tasty, but not healty. It's either curry, some thick sauce (mee rebus etc), or fried meat.

Gawd. How not to put on weight?

I'm home!

whew. hard time avoiding getting confined.

Week 4:
Thurs 2115: Wtf. Lights out now!
Wed 2222: They say we can bookout on fri if we can get 1k sandbags done. Being a pessimist, i suspect its a ploy. Pray its true!
Tue 1247: Damn. Same boring things. Btw. Every meal has fried food. Argh.
Mon 2146: Hopes dashed. Timetable says bookout is on fri. Now they say its sat. Life is. nondescript here. I . am lost. Fuck?

Week 3:

Sat 2221: Damn fucked up bookout. Knn. Got nothing done. I hate wasted booknuts.
Thur 2217: Received bad news. Im feeling really fucked now. Somehow im suddenly able to blog via phone again.
Wed 0920: Aint a racist here but seriously, like 75% of the malays here are pissing me off. From cutting queues daily to being rowdy, etc. Totally inconsiderate and un-gracious. Is this their culture?
Wed 0515: Its scary how routine things get. Even my waking timing. Without any alarms whatsoever, i jolt back into reality at 0455 everyday. And the cycle repeats. Repeats.. Sigh.
Tue 2154: ..due to having to wear a cap all the time. My hair is growin. Not sure what to do with it this weekend. Trying to lose weight as well. Hard to, when we are so passive. Life, is sad, as usual.
Tue 2145: Rest now. Aah. My pillow (from home) is losing its scent. My scent rather. Had half a movie on war screened just now. Bleah. Anyway the pimples on my forehead are growing in number. I suspect its..
Tue 1235: An hours break after lunch. Damn sian. Zzz. Sigh. Dont know how to describe what im feeling now. Plain weird.
Mon 2153: Anyway. Feeling kinda love-hate about this 'sentence'. My mates are really fun, funny, nice ppl, so are most commanders. But i just cant seem to accept the fact that im not a free man. Gah.
Mon 2151: Maybe it was the lib fine. Luck holds once more. Guard duty forecast for the month is out and im safe. Thank god. Checked out timetable, bookouts will be on fris next week onwards unless.. Yea.

I can't sleep. Hadn't been sleeping properly for the past two days.

Drumming my fingers on the mattress. Thinking and thinking and thinking. Lying face down as usual. Staring out in to the corridor. Turning around and staring out of the window. 10.30pm. 11pm. Midnight. And I would most probably fall asleep before one. Jolt back to reality at around 4am. And wait. And wait. Till 5 when everyone wakes.


Fucked up sgt doesn't make the day any better. How about two?


There's lots more to this bitching. But I'm too tired to go on.


sigh.


I really hate ns.

Nights off today. Going back by 1030.

Anyway today we had some hardcore topo. Got desperate. Bashed through dense vegetation. Freaking vines with thorns, giant spiders, sharp leaf blades etc. Didn't expect to chiong-sua. Madness. Took the wrong path but still, managed to make it back in time for nights off. And there was some minor incident. Almost got confined. Phew. Standard. Got abrasion on heels. The same toe. And waist. Oh. And also pecs + nipple abrasion. fucking hell.. sucks. haha.

Oh yeh. Carrying the dumb signal set that doesn't work sucks. Heavy. But that's not the main problem. The main problem is you have a long long metal antenna sticking out above you (3 metres) as you walk. Tends to get caught by branches and shit. Each bob you make, the antenna will swing and swing and swing. Physics. The moment generated is quite something.

Eye-opener though. Saw reservist combat engineers in action. Saw officer cadets in their pro term. They look.. mad. With backpacks towering over their heads, heavy weapons and all. The look on their face is just. kodak moment?



just got my wireless. router and usb adaptor.


And the toe that NEVER heals.

Something's messed up with the GPRS on my phone.

It seems that after an unknown no. of visits, I wouldn't be able to visit the particular website anymore. Just like right now I'm unable to view tags from my phone or blog on the blackboard. Must be some restrictions/protection put into place by singtel.

Well anyway, time does seem to fly.. slightly. Probably because I'm really looking forward towards the weekend. This weekend especially. I think I'm going to get a proper haircut - somewhat. And going out! :D



Anyway, the previous doc diagnosed my case as neuropraxia, and the one I saw yesterday said it's a case of damaged ligament. And if I were to seek treatment now, I would be out of course. And I was advised against that - I should complete my course and seek treatment because to get into this vocation, it's a rather fortunate thing, kinda. So what I would do is to inform the commanders and I should get into some non-chiong-sua/drill unit/coys etc. The only worry that I have is that I might be a replacement clerk. Shrug. So long I get to go home daily.

give me something to look forward to man.


I can't bring my mp3 player in. I can't bring my multi-functional phone-camera.

So I'm bringing in my pillow to sleep, really. And that complements the highlight of each day (night rather) perfectly. I only look forward to sleeping. Sleeping gives me temporary escape.


sigh.



I don't ask for much, only happiness.

I hope also that at the end of this all I'll laugh my ass off when I look back at this.

fuck im seriously feeling damn fucked up. normally i would have cried but i'm too tired and i've got like no tears left. my eyes are fucking dry.

lots of messy ends and . fuck dude. fuck. seriously. fuck.


-my mags are piling up like shit. at least thirty copies of national geographic/newsweek plus some fuck shit.

-the library books i borrowed. my pack is too full for me to bring them in.

-besides, it's like i've got to do some revision. there is alot of time relative to other ppl serving their sentence now, but it's meagre actually.

-on top of that, i've got like re-driving-test to think about. will they let me take leave? will i be confined on weekends and hence waste my driving practs?

-wondering also, if it would be 8-5 after my trainee period.

-also worried about health. my body doesn't seem to be able to hold itself together. eyes. knees. and many other parts.

-future's uncertain too. relationships. job.



fuck sia. fucking hell.

maybe it isn't that bad afterall. it could be worse.





fuck.

cheebye. it's damn sad.

people dislike national service.

people sign on not because they love the country. the love for the cash.

fuck sia.

one year and seven months to go.


damn dulan.

you can't run away. and they force you in the first week of your service to take some oath that says you wouldn't run away in war.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

KNN.


FEW HOURS BEFORE I GO BACK IN. FUCK.


I know it could be worse. But it fucking sucks. Sucks so much so it's nucking futs and fucking nuts.

cheebye la. knn. damn hongkan feeling. left choiceless. FUCK!

2006 is barely past the mid. year 2007 hasn't even come. I'm talking about one entire year. 365 and a quarter days. And there are like two months after that. cheebye. cheeebye. KNNN. FUCK.

This is seriously seriously fucked up. So wanna run away but can't run away. What difference is this from being held at gunpoint? Yea, it's damn 'welfare' already. So what? I'm no different from a prisoner. Fucking hell. Horrid shit.

aaaaah. FUCK. I'm a dog. You are a dog. And there are dumb asses up there who's loving the money and making life difficult.

But all these are necessary. At the expense of everything. Of lives. Of unhappiness. Of turning boys into retarded people and not men.


cheebye. this is so damn fucked up


so damn fucked up that we can't do anything. nothing at all. come on. hit us with some tsunami. hit us with some war now.


i .. just wanna get out. get out of this kind of life that isn't my life.

crib robbers. trying to compensate by giving income tax relief. giving some allowance. how would you fucking feel if someone came inside your house, smashed your hugeass LCD TV and then gave you a lame black and white tv set, asking you what's wrong with you, whatever happened?


suicide could be the way out. but fucking hell. some moron shoved it up your ass and what, you are gonna suicide instead of opening wider and taking it in?


FUCK?

fuck.

this is damn fucked up.



i've got a bad feeling the cops are gonna arrest me when i click on the 'Publish Post' button. Probably sued for a zillion things. made to do some hugeass advertorial apology on the papers. ending up in debt. and being thrown into prison even. on the brighter side they could throw me into IMH and declare me mentally unfit to carry out my duties.


fuck.

cheebye!

knnn.

hongkan!

I sprawl on my bed. Face buried in the mattress. Hugging two pillows. And I visualize myself sleeping in camp. Horrors. And when I'm in camp, I do the exact opposite. I visualize myself to be at home. Stuck in a dream. Feeling not much different when I get home. Deranged.


It's sick shit over there. Everyday runs on the exact same routine. Wake. Exercise. Breakfast. Exercise again on alternate days. Lectures and breaks. More lectures and breaks. Lunch. Lecture-break cycle again. Dinner. May have test after dinner. Either written or practical. Oh. Even the sitting arrangement in the lecture theatre is fixed. Free time till 10pm. You can watch tv. Table soccer. Table tennis . Computers with internet access. Read the papers. But no canteen breaks. And that explains why the snack-vending-machine uncle is so happy. The bunch of us clears at least half of his machine daily. Must be some conspiracy between him and the people higher up in the hierarchy. No phones with infrared are allowed. No phones with memory cards/sticks are allowed. No pdas allowed. Cameras are big no-no. No mp3 players are allowed. Some tightass security shit.

My mates and I do get along rather well. Talk loads of bull. Laughing away. Eating in class. Time does move; relatively fast honestly speaking. But it's seriously wicked to be stuck in this cycle that has been going on and will be going on for six more weeks. Of course, this is heaven compared to what some are going through now. Which is why I'm feeling kinda fucked. The big it-could-be-worse self-consolation thing. I just wanna stay home. Or rather, be a free man.



We had a clean shave one month and a week ago, and shaving of the sides 3 weeks ago. So the top is out of proportion compared to the sides. At the same time it's kinda too short for me to go amend it.


I sound like a whiny bitch.

Week 2

29jun:0517: Everytime i wake its like.. Fuck! Why do we have to wake, welcome to another day of service! Sigh.
28jun:2116: I said ive not changed right. Yea. Im still sleepin in lects despite sleepin early. Sigh. I dread ns. I wanna go home. Cant unless im married. Argh. Sian!
28jun:0513: I dont know why i wake up everyday aching all over and my pillow will always be on the floor. Yet another morning. Everydays the same. Many to go. Sigh.
2051: Anyway im quite thankful for the company i hv here. The ppl closer to me(literally)are nice ppl. Oh btw, im tryin to pickup the 'mak' accent. Haha.
20jun:2042: .. partially coz lots of fn were disabled. Couldnt blog proper. Haha. Hmmm. Long restin time today but still, nothing beats home. =/
27jun:2038: Gt 2 use mess room. Tkfully most ppl r soccer-mad n hence i gt 2 use e internet. Nt tt surprised tt there was nthing 2 do.
26jun:2021: Eh what the fuck.. Theres no bedsheet for tonight coz the ic forgot to collect them. The beds are dirty here yea. Sigh. Think im sleeping on the floor..
26jun:2013: Asthma again. Stayed in sickbay this morning. I was wondering why theres free time today until they passed us 2 stacks of notes..
25jun:2105: Im back in camp.. It doesnt.. feel that bad.. afterall.. Slight fever still.

I'm home .